Year in review. I'd give it a seven. [28 Dec 2009|11:46pm] kindelingboy [ mood | excited ] [ music | United States of Pop 2009- DJ Earworm ] This year sucked, and that is a complete lie. If I were able to rate these chunks of my life using a more objective criteria, something like 'total amount of unique experiences acquired,' then 2009 would be an unmitigated success.  There have been some real knock-outs this past year, once in a lifetime kind of events that some people will probably never see.  I'm not trying to boast, it's just a matter of logistics that only some people will get to go through these certain kinds of things in their lifetime, and I managed to pick some up.  Predictably I can only really begin to appreciate them, well... < 1 year after they occur.  But I tend to colour my life darkly, I remember valleys more than peaks, even when standing on some very promising vantage points.  There were moments this past year where I was genuinely scared for my own safety, and in many ways I was more of a teenager this year, between 22 and 23 years of age, than I was when I was actually a teenager.  This year I had to come to terms with my adolescence and answers questions of myself that I had been ignoring.  If I hadn't, I would be dead to me. But out of that dreadful place, where the music sucks and the pants never fit right, I arrive here.  Next year I will be living in a new place, with two beautiful people.  Next year I will be doing my own project, the Year of Faith.  Next year I will be writing a blog, and next year I will be on my way to writing a goddamn book. Next year, if everything works out the way I want it to?  Next year will be a 10.  1 comment|post comment

[27 Dec 2009|10:00pm] avanbarb i'm crazy. happy. sad. angry. sad. optimistic. sad. angry. stupid hormones. i want to cuddle. post comment

[26 Dec 2009|04:44pm] avanbarb Woody Allen's Vicky Christina Barcelona (2008) 7 days to go. post comment

Merry Christmas [25 Dec 2009|10:20am] aerlyn Blues Traveller sings one of my favourite Christmas songs. This one makes me smile every time, so I hope you enjoy it. Have a good day, wherever you are. 2 comments|post comment

Once was old is new again... [24 Dec 2009|12:53am] kindelingboy [ mood | tired ] I am going to be doing the Year of Faith project again in 2010. Book or bust. 1 comment|post comment

do you know what i am saying? [22 Dec 2009|01:41am] my_love_assasin today at work i actually got to be responsible for some things, which was nice. i actually felt useful. i think attitude has something to do with it; i am very easygoing and ready to be challenged while on the clock. someone said they like working beside me, because i have a calming effect. maybe affect? amanda said that people like to be around me. i have to think about why. yesterday i had a couple hours of very dim thoughts. some things made me feel down. i feel kind of lonely these days. i am actually really happy with my social life. i think i want some dude with nice biceps to sleep with at night. and he has to smell nice. and be tasty like delicious steak. a boyfriend or something? i don't know. it feels strange to crave intimacy and trust. i am so not trusting, especially of people who want sex from me. i would like to work on that, preferably with aforementioned bicep'd candidate. i would also enjoy a regular recreational partner during my bachelordom. amanda and i had a chat. well, many mini-chats. she keeps trying to find out what her present from christopher is, like a very insistent little badger. we talked about our livejournals. she said she posts in hers for a public fora in which to vent ideas. i am much more selective of who i tell the url. i guess i am OK with people finding the journal and reading it.... for some reason over the past few years i have built up this false idea of privacy. like unless i give the address to people, no one will find it. i wonder who has read it? i wonder why i care. i got a new mouse! i am so happy. my old one was totally povo. i have xmas and new years off. i wonder what i will do. i am going to amanda's family dinner. i am kind of worried that halfway through i will want to escape but i won't be able to because they will all be at my house. but the ham sounds like a good plan, i'm looking forward to that. amanda even bought a gravy boat, even though she doesn't eat any kind of meat product. she is a meat-enabler. there are times when i feel really ugly. like a hideous sack of organic matter. i don't know what that means; i am curious if it is an indication of some kind of bipolar disorder, because it hits me pretty fast, and it seems to go away just as quickly. i am getting a handle on it, and have figured out that the best thing to do is something productive, even if it is little. perhaps my potential for bipolarism can be channeled into OCD cleaning or something else just as practical. i started reading 'confessions of a shopaholic' because amanda is making me. its kind of awful, but not really for the reasons she is thinking i will say. its all about money, not having enough, and spending too much. i find it stressful. why read about having no money, when that is already the case. the entire first few pages is about her visa bill. i just kept thinking 'i really have to pay my visa bill'. it kind of just made me feel bad about my life. especially since she wants to pay almost two hundred dollars for a scarf. 8 comments|post comment

[21 Dec 2009|07:18pm] neomeruru Christmas to-do list: Tuesday: - moving - unpacking Wednesday: - wrapping - buy masking fluid - watercolors for my sister - friends gift exhange Thursday: - dessert baking - cream puff buying - in-laws dinner - finishing Kev's present Friday: - bean cooking - family dinner post comment

[21 Dec 2009|07:14pm] neomeruru AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR *deep breath* AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR No, seriously. I know it's totally uncool to like AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR, but AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR AVATAR. 4 comments|post comment

[21 Dec 2009|03:01pm] avanbarb i hate my moods. i am depressed and angry and bitter. i thought it was just hunger but i've eaten now. gar agrees that part of my emotions are justified. i am so angry i just want to yell and scream and cry at him. selfish douche. or am i the selfish douche? i hate these moods. post comment

[21 Dec 2009|10:30am] avanbarb today will be for painting and gardening and viet fest '09. the office is empty, spackled, and sanded. today i prime. then i paint. kendal left heather's tree outside and then sent it over to our house. i'm going to see if i can bring it back to life. i need peat moss. another little plant needs a bigger pot. i have some soil out back i can use for that. i think i'll start the day with priming and then head to the gym. then i'll go to that computer store on main that gar recommended and talk to them about my laptop. back to the drive to visit glen's nursery, Figaro's, to get peat moss. at home i'll garden, check the primer, and perhaps apply the first coat of paint to the office walls. derrick should be off work by then. we can start our Vietnam movie fest at his place when he does. i am still depressed, but i'm getting more energy to do things. in the morning i always feel optimistic. post comment

lights and music [20 Dec 2009|06:01pm] my_love_assasin i'm finding work exhausting. what was a nice rhythm i had in victoria is all shot to shit here. i am the noob, the variable the managers don't know yet. i get extra-long explanations for everything here, even if i just need a 'yes' or 'no'. yesterday i got to spend my entire day off with heather. she is feeling needy and codependent. she keeps talking about julie. i've decided to end this at the next viable opportunity by telling her that five years is long enough (i think its been more, but as long as its within the ballpark...) and she needs to get over it. also, i will sidebar it with the honest revelation that it is a subject which bores me. i've been doing this recently... honesty about my feelings. i am getting a lot more 'you are such an asshole'. but i also feel really good about myself. i want to be an asshole. assholes don't sit and stew in their resentment. assholes have clean bedrooms, and hydrate daily. assholes have social lives, and don't sweat the small stuff. assholes shit out all of the bad things inside that make them want to be alone and self-destructive. i talked to heather about our mother. heather is of the opinion that mom needs to be taking it easy during her twilight years. i think, as an adult, our mother is able to make these decisions on her own. my sister, if you have not guessed, is plagued with a heroic personality. she really has to save everyone. i found myself disagreeing with a lot of things that she said. i thought about this as the fourth or fifth contrary opinion flowed from my lips. why am i doing this? i thought. anyway, she didn't notice i was doing this until a little while later, so i had some time to ponder it. i think we are fundamentally different people. she started some of our conversation with the premise that she is a 'mature-lesbian' gay while i am a 'young-bitchy-gay-male' gay. i must respectfully declare that in most adult company, i have found such distinctions to be somewhat irrelevant and preemptively limiting. how can you negotiate complex personalities by asserting such statements? i knew what she meant, but i think that she was participating from a completely superficial mainstream american consciousness. can you imagine some euro sitting in a thousand year old castle and saying 'you really are a mature-lesbian gay, whereas i am a young-bitchy-gay type of gay'. she was totally post-imperialist-puritan-american-assimilationee-20th-century-neo-homo-hollywood type of stereotyping. it was almost entirely too predictable. what else did we talk about? oh we talked about tom, our mother's husband. she basically said he was negligible, and she wasn't interested in having a relationship with him. i can understand her trepidation, but as someone who has had many multiple relationships i would think she would be the first to accept someone else's varying choice when it comes to the aspect of their mate. tom is a pretty straightforward guy. he's not really that deep, i don't think. he isn't stupid. but he is very socially awkward. i think my mother likes him because he isn't complicated, as well he provides stability and their personalities don't clash too much. i postulated to heather that possibly our mother's reluctance to associate with us might originate from our grudging inclusion of her one beloved. so a while ago i decided that i wasn't going to exclude tom anymore; he is after all a member of the family. heather wasn't really keen on this. her expression as she refused to even think about such a possiblity reminded me of a stubborn five year old. the end of the day was really frustrating. i wanted to relax, and game, and be in my messy PJs without having to worry about entertaining anyone. instead she invited a total noob to come and game, someone who fits the requirements of 'guest'. amanda even started cleaning the house. heather was making comments about how wonderful it was amanda was cleaning, and how homey it is. i think they were disguised digs at me, but i chose to ignore them as i refuse to allow the hereditary passive-aggressive undercurrents to motivate me. this could also be why i am being so contrary. perhaps i feel a lot of choices made around and about me when i was younger were incorrect, so i am using as a compass. regardless, i think she was a total jerk and i even got away with calling her an asshole without any sort of reprisal. everyone was kind of quiet after that. anyhow, i am glad to be home right now. i am going to make some tea and level my draeni. 3 comments|post comment

on titles [20 Dec 2009|02:06pm] avanbarb I don't carry my iPod around with me anymore. I couldn't get my iTunes to put new music on it so I just stopped using it. I sat in Starbucks today on Granville, waiting for Garett to bring me a coffee and watching people walk around outside. As I watched them I listened to the loud music on the Starbucks Radio. I started thinking about going back to school. Derrick and I were talking at the hockey game about titles. I don't like the title: "writer". I find it arrogant. To me it seems like equivalent of asserting that your expression of ideas is so profound that others should read it. I have nothing against writing. Its a fine form of expression. Its the title that gets me. "I'm a writer". Oh are you? Thinking about it more, I realize I get the same feeling when someone declares themselves an "artist" or an "academic". What does that mean? "Writer", to me, seems so delicate a title that to challenge it is the equivalent of challenging a person's sexuality or gender. It seems like a self-identification, the meaning of which can only really be understood if one understands the writing sub-culture. "I am a writer". Oh, what do you write? "A blog". Oh. "I am a writer". Oh, what do you write? "Poetry". Oh. "I am a writer". Oh, what do you write? "Children's books". Oh. "I am a writer". Oh, what do you write? "Fantasy novels". Oh. "I am a writer". Oh, what do you write? "Short stories". Oh. "I am a writer". Oh, what do you write? "Political commentary". Oh. "I am a writer". Oh. I started reading reneethewriter on canadasworld.wordpress.com. I appreciate her humbleness. She calls herself a writer. 5 comments|post comment

[20 Dec 2009|09:18am] avanbarb yesterday heather and her girlfriend came over to play wow. instead they watched beyonce videos on the couch and tried to make a fire. maybe they don't like living in chilliwack? they stayed all day. it was homey to have the house full, but a little annoying at the same time. they act weird together. heather is much more chill when she's over by herself. christopher is gone home to alberta to see his friends and family. he left the morning (at 6am) of the day after his last exam and returns the day before his first day of the next semester of classes. he's going to have a great time, i'm sure. he really missed them. i'm just generally depressed. i'm alone in the house. i don't even want to get out of the house. i have no energy to put effort into anything, really. i just want the stress to go away and i'm doing nothing to help that happen. i don't have the will to. i feel hopeless and depressed and defeated. my internal laptop fan doesn't work so i can't use it. the X on this computer's keyboard is hard to press. i'm surprised by how many times i've used it in this post so far. Gar let me use his laptop while i figure out how to fix mine. i've made three phone calls so far and no one has been particularly helpful. they all sound like they'd rather i never asked the question in the first place. i think i'll go to future shop today and buy that external fan while i figure out how to repair this one on my own. i need some files off of it. i'm going to start painting the office today. that will be productive. i can watch my efforts change things. 6 comments|post comment

[18 Dec 2009|03:24am] cimmerian [ mood | happy ] There's nothing quite as nice as someone warm, cuddly, and loving sleeping in your bed, even if you aren't tired just yet. post comment

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