I'm kind of a jerk.
So after much personal reflection I've realised when it comes to relathionships I'm kind of a jerk. I realised this just the other day when I lied my way out of a date. I cant handle relationships with guys. After three dates or so I begin to freak. I start thinking Oh my God what does this person expect from me. Does this person think I'm the one. I don't think their the one. OH my God!!! then I start mentally hyperventalateing and I begin to think I have to end this. Then I start rationalising. Yes Mike you must end this otherwise you will ultimately mentaly destroy this person. Hey I never claimed to be humble.

So I lied to my latest victim. I call him a victim not because I ended things. Thats a natural part of life and it would be pritty conceited to call anyone who dosn't get to be with you a victim. But The way I date people knowing my track record does make this guy an un suspecting victim. I've gatehered a lot of diffrent pieces of advice on my situation. My friend Dave the therapist says. Tough it out. Dave actually is my friend not my therapist.

I just thought it would be funny to point out the incongruncy of his porofesion and his advice. Anyways, the problem with the tough it out advice is that I'm equally freaked out by the people who I think I like with the one who I ligitimitly don't want to continue things with. Its the same sense of dread and chokeing panick. Its only after I break things off that I get eaither a feeling of regret or relief that I realsie the way I actually felt about a person. So no I cant keep dateing people and toughing it out because I really don't know what I'm toughing it out for.

The other piece of advice thats out there for people like me is don't date you selfish F**ck. I do try to suscribe to this piece of advice but fail miserably. And by fail I mean give up the moment I see someone that excites me. Because to say I fail at this goal is a cop out because if I really wanted to take myself off the market and stop leaveing a trail of emotional recage every where I went I would do it. So no thats not really what I want. But I do sincearly want to stop hurting people.

The third piece of advice I've been giveing is the date people for fun and honesty rule. I like this advice the only problem is that the moment I have any intimicy with a guy and theres no future involved I start to freak. I get this overwellming sense of guilt when things are not done in the confines of a relationship. And I get this overwellming sense of guilt when things are done in a relationship.

But I think I've finally come up with a solution to my problem. I will combine takeing things slow with the just for fun and honesty rule to create takeing things rediculsluy slow. I mean no kissing till the fourth date slow and even at that it will be a peck kind of slow. Its gotten to the point where when I'm on plenty of fish I'll think hmmm christian I bet he'd be cool with takeing things really slow. (But not catholics there kinky for some reason).

This is only wrong if I'm not open with people about what I'm looking for. A while back I went on this date with this guy who hated being kissed. Kissing and other stuff were like way in the future. At the time I was like your weird. But now I'm like wow thats a pritty sweet deal. I saw him on plenty of fish yesterday and we started chatting. I'm not sating hes the one Im just saying Yeah theres people out there like me who are equally if not more freaked out by intamcy.

This is one of the lame things about being gay. If I was a straight boy with this problem I could tottaly find myself some girl who is tottaly freaked out about the phisical stuff and be all like “Nah girl if you wanna wait thats cool. No really if you want to wait till marriage even better. In fact when we do get married we could live like one of those 1950 couples and push the beds togeather on our aniversery.”