mikeyboi20 (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mikeyboi20) wrote,@ 2008-09-03 18:02:00 |
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Get stupid
Lately I've been thinking about going on an anti depressant medication. I don't want to do this and will keep it in the back of my mind as a possible solution to be used when other alternatives fail me. I don't consider the use of this drug as a solution for depression. I do still get really depressed but I quickly snap out of my depressive moods. I used to be depressed for months at a time and now often I can notice this head space early on and make myself feel better. My problem is not depression. I don't even know if there's a word for my problem. I have a value system and view in the world that I find truly uplifting it is humble and passionate and respectful of myself and others. My depressive mind is basically a view that is the polar opposite of everything that my sane mind believes. I continue to get better at recognizing my depressed mind. Often a simple phrase will do. I often just need to question if I am lacking humility and it clears my mind.
I know that the depressive selfish greedy mind is more then just symptoms of ADD or depression they are aspects of myself that I must learn to acknowledge so that I can better control them. However at the same time my ADD doesn't help I quickly lose focus and this makes it easy for this mindset to dominate. Also I am a person who is prone to depression and have been for as long as I can remember. The awful thing is that both mind sets really Really hate the other. The greedy mind belittles the humble minds goals stating they are too little and that I would essentially be accepting a life that's lacking. The greedy mind uses boredom as the ultimate excuse to be unhappy and complain about life in general. My "clear" mind still is not perfect and I know that I must acknowledge this. When my mind is clear I am filled with a great deal of remorse and shame about my selfish mind.
My problem is a lack of humility. My clear mind isn't all that clear if it is so easily overtaken by the greedy mind. I know it sounds like I'm sounding off a bunch of abstract Buddhist metaphors but this is my life. On a related side tangent I resent drug attics and hardcore alcoholics and anyone with a severe mental illness. Sure they have to deal with the shame of what they have done and what they were and what they sometimes will or could become. But I envy the fact that they don't have to resent what they are. I would love a label like bi polar because it would mean that all the greed and the selfishness the lack of humility was a chemical imbalance. I'm not saying this is what addicts and the severely mentally ill do. I'm not saying that I hate myself. But yes I do hate my dark side.
I am kind of an alcoholic but I know that all those traits that I run from are not a result of my alcoholism or my depression or ADD or anything else that I might have. I drank this weekend after a two month break. I don't see total abstinence from alcohol as necessary. I used to go to AA meetings. I would always feel so uncomfortable when people would cheer for other people's years of sobriety. I couldn't relate to there enthusiasm. I would think I'm sober and I switch back and fourth between a clear mind and a f#cked up mind all the time alcohol has nothing to do with my biggest problem. When I would share I would basically use it as a chance for free therapy. I would be all into talking about anger and mood swings and then I would tack something on about alcoholism just so that my share had some congruency. I will continue to go long periods of time without drinking and will limit myself to a few times a year or even no drinks for that year. I believe that for ME it is dangerous to create this mystique around drinking and believe that if ever you do it your a terrible person. I rarely feel compelled to drink when I have made a promise not to. But drinking in moderation I have a problem with.
The clear side has let me down. I guess I tend to go for extremes so I wanted the wholesomeness of AA, Buddhism, and my childhood belief that I am a a super nice guy --- despite a total lack of any charitable actions. The greed side also has been disappointing.
I am not a selfish man or a humble man. I am a stupid mad. I don't think I'm stupid Stupid. But Yeah this whole extreme thing is really stupid. And the lack of any plan to maintain the clear mind is also very stupid. I've never been able to just be stupid. I truly think that this is the source for a lot of suffering. The label of learning disability in grade school basically crippled my ability to constantly say to myself wow your being stupid or lazy. By clinging to my learning disability as a child, youth I rejected myself. I have never learned how to say No mike that's stupid. When you grow up as "Learning Disabled" Your shielded from stupid. Every mistake is the learning disability. That means that the mistake and tendency to make that mistake is a fixed part of your being. So when you believe this is fixed and cant be changed the last thing you want to do is say that's stupid to yourself because your calling your essence stupid. So the alternative is to say "learning disability" and "different" and this makes the mistakes OK because you are a victim of a condition. This mindset makes normalcy something to be applauded and mistakes that normally would be questioned are just accepted as a part of the continuum of Mikey.
I recently was told by my ADD doctor that my Learning disability was ADD. I was talking to my mom about this and she told me that a lot of doctors don't believe in learning disabilities but rather believe in intelligence variance coupled with attention problems. I did have trouble learning to read and write and a host of other learning difficulties. My parents consulted with experts who told them all about learning disabilities. As well, the only way extra educational support services could be available was with the label of Learning disability rather then slow. What makes slow and learning disability different is that Learning disabled people have an IQ that is average or even above average with low average or bellow average points but with high average or above average points so it equals average but its distribution is not the average average so that's why it's a disability.
I'm done running from stupid. LD is a bulls#it disorder. I've spent my whole life doing anything to avoid feeling stupid. I don't take on new challenges because I'm afraid of failing. I don't try to learn new things (other then English based disciplines) because I could fail and thus prove that I am stupid. I have grandiose beliefs about myself to block out the terrible truth that I'm stupid. A huge part of humility is the acknowledgment of one's own stupidity. I'm done running and I'm ready to admit the terrible truth that I have known my entire life but have been to afraid to say I'm stupid. I have above average IQ points in language and my IQ on the whole is high average as a result of this. But I still am below average in some areas like math and spacial cognition (whatever the f*#k that means)I have run from this my entire life. There are stupid brilliant artist, Stupid sexy dancers stupid bakers and mathematicians etc. I'm done trying to be smart which in my case is just avoiding being stupid.I don't think a lot of people are smart or stupid. I am not a smart person who does stupid things rather I'm a stupid smart person or smart stupid and I'm done fighting it.
Lately I've been thinking about going on an anti depressant medication. I don't want to do this and will keep it in the back of my mind as a possible solution to be used when other alternatives fail me. I don't consider the use of this drug as a solution for depression. I do still get really depressed but I quickly snap out of my depressive moods. I used to be depressed for months at a time and now often I can notice this head space early on and make myself feel better. My problem is not depression. I don't even know if there's a word for my problem. I have a value system and view in the world that I find truly uplifting it is humble and passionate and respectful of myself and others. My depressive mind is basically a view that is the polar opposite of everything that my sane mind believes. I continue to get better at recognizing my depressed mind. Often a simple phrase will do. I often just need to question if I am lacking humility and it clears my mind.
I know that the depressive selfish greedy mind is more then just symptoms of ADD or depression they are aspects of myself that I must learn to acknowledge so that I can better control them. However at the same time my ADD doesn't help I quickly lose focus and this makes it easy for this mindset to dominate. Also I am a person who is prone to depression and have been for as long as I can remember. The awful thing is that both mind sets really Really hate the other. The greedy mind belittles the humble minds goals stating they are too little and that I would essentially be accepting a life that's lacking. The greedy mind uses boredom as the ultimate excuse to be unhappy and complain about life in general. My "clear" mind still is not perfect and I know that I must acknowledge this. When my mind is clear I am filled with a great deal of remorse and shame about my selfish mind.
My problem is a lack of humility. My clear mind isn't all that clear if it is so easily overtaken by the greedy mind. I know it sounds like I'm sounding off a bunch of abstract Buddhist metaphors but this is my life. On a related side tangent I resent drug attics and hardcore alcoholics and anyone with a severe mental illness. Sure they have to deal with the shame of what they have done and what they were and what they sometimes will or could become. But I envy the fact that they don't have to resent what they are. I would love a label like bi polar because it would mean that all the greed and the selfishness the lack of humility was a chemical imbalance. I'm not saying this is what addicts and the severely mentally ill do. I'm not saying that I hate myself. But yes I do hate my dark side.
I am kind of an alcoholic but I know that all those traits that I run from are not a result of my alcoholism or my depression or ADD or anything else that I might have. I drank this weekend after a two month break. I don't see total abstinence from alcohol as necessary. I used to go to AA meetings. I would always feel so uncomfortable when people would cheer for other people's years of sobriety. I couldn't relate to there enthusiasm. I would think I'm sober and I switch back and fourth between a clear mind and a f#cked up mind all the time alcohol has nothing to do with my biggest problem. When I would share I would basically use it as a chance for free therapy. I would be all into talking about anger and mood swings and then I would tack something on about alcoholism just so that my share had some congruency. I will continue to go long periods of time without drinking and will limit myself to a few times a year or even no drinks for that year. I believe that for ME it is dangerous to create this mystique around drinking and believe that if ever you do it your a terrible person. I rarely feel compelled to drink when I have made a promise not to. But drinking in moderation I have a problem with.
The clear side has let me down. I guess I tend to go for extremes so I wanted the wholesomeness of AA, Buddhism, and my childhood belief that I am a a super nice guy --- despite a total lack of any charitable actions. The greed side also has been disappointing.
I am not a selfish man or a humble man. I am a stupid mad. I don't think I'm stupid Stupid. But Yeah this whole extreme thing is really stupid. And the lack of any plan to maintain the clear mind is also very stupid. I've never been able to just be stupid. I truly think that this is the source for a lot of suffering. The label of learning disability in grade school basically crippled my ability to constantly say to myself wow your being stupid or lazy. By clinging to my learning disability as a child, youth I rejected myself. I have never learned how to say No mike that's stupid. When you grow up as "Learning Disabled" Your shielded from stupid. Every mistake is the learning disability. That means that the mistake and tendency to make that mistake is a fixed part of your being. So when you believe this is fixed and cant be changed the last thing you want to do is say that's stupid to yourself because your calling your essence stupid. So the alternative is to say "learning disability" and "different" and this makes the mistakes OK because you are a victim of a condition. This mindset makes normalcy something to be applauded and mistakes that normally would be questioned are just accepted as a part of the continuum of Mikey.
I recently was told by my ADD doctor that my Learning disability was ADD. I was talking to my mom about this and she told me that a lot of doctors don't believe in learning disabilities but rather believe in intelligence variance coupled with attention problems. I did have trouble learning to read and write and a host of other learning difficulties. My parents consulted with experts who told them all about learning disabilities. As well, the only way extra educational support services could be available was with the label of Learning disability rather then slow. What makes slow and learning disability different is that Learning disabled people have an IQ that is average or even above average with low average or bellow average points but with high average or above average points so it equals average but its distribution is not the average average so that's why it's a disability.
I'm done running from stupid. LD is a bulls#it disorder. I've spent my whole life doing anything to avoid feeling stupid. I don't take on new challenges because I'm afraid of failing. I don't try to learn new things (other then English based disciplines) because I could fail and thus prove that I am stupid. I have grandiose beliefs about myself to block out the terrible truth that I'm stupid. A huge part of humility is the acknowledgment of one's own stupidity. I'm done running and I'm ready to admit the terrible truth that I have known my entire life but have been to afraid to say I'm stupid. I have above average IQ points in language and my IQ on the whole is high average as a result of this. But I still am below average in some areas like math and spacial cognition (whatever the f*#k that means)I have run from this my entire life. There are stupid brilliant artist, Stupid sexy dancers stupid bakers and mathematicians etc. I'm done trying to be smart which in my case is just avoiding being stupid.I don't think a lot of people are smart or stupid. I am not a smart person who does stupid things rather I'm a stupid smart person or smart stupid and I'm done fighting it.
