Bi all
Hello all. I’ve had a lot of time for self-reflection and I’ve realized a lot of things about myself. At first I thought I could cover all my realizations but I have a lot to say so this will actually be the first of a few entries. Anyways I think I will start with my minor bisexuality. Yes. I’m slightly bisexual but have never really been able to acknowledge that side of myself.

A big reason for this is that my first experiences romantically with girls were done in an effort to make myself look straight. Lets be honest even if your 15 this is still a pritty terrible thing to do. In an effort to avoid physical harm I got myself girlfriends. I believed that if a person found out I was gay I would be assaulted. In an effort to not have to fool around with them I made them break up with me. Ironically, I achieved this by coming on too strong and attempting lots of public displays of affection at inopportune times. I think maybe the fact that I actively sabotaged my earliest relationships may be the reason I continued to do so into adulthood.

I was terrified of being discovered. In grade 8 I had come out to a girl and she told all her friends. I was terrified that the whole school would find out and I would get attacked. A kid actually was attacked and pushed down a flight of stairs for because people thought he might be gay. Lucky for me she never returned to school that fall. She and everyone she told had developed intense drug problems so they all became dropouts. Still the fear of being exposed was so intense. I had never enjoyed fooling around with girls but apparently I had not met the right girls. When I did realize that I do have sexual or at least sensual feeling for woman I was super happy. All the other girls I kissed were so soft and gentle. This girl was fierce she did a little lip biting and some hair pulling which was nice. I was straight (er…. sort of).

My big regret here is that this feeling was tainted with a self-loathing for the rest of my sexuality. Anyways, when I gave up on trying to destroy the gay side I felt bad about the straight side. Which to be honest is more of a portion then a side. But anyways, this denial actually did cause me a lot of distress. Woman would talk about how they love having gay friends because they could have a guy friend without all of that sexual tension or without worrying about what he’s thinking or you know something to that effect. This would make me crazy uncomfortable because I would think well I am gayer then straight and most women aren’t down with getting with gay guys. But I would also think well I’m not 100% gay so I also can’t be your “safe non-threatening best friend forever”. So ultimately I kind of started to see this component of myself as unnatural and creepy. Also the fact that this component was born out of cowardice led to the perfect excuse to do away with the ambiguity. I could just label these feeling as a byproduct of self-hate.

I stopped live doing the journal because I always felt I had to write a happy ending to the entry. I don’t have a super happy ending. But I do think that these feeling have prevented me from creating meaningful friendships with woman, which is unfortunate. I always felt like I wasn’t the right type of gay guy and that if they did find out about that side of me they’d find it creepy. This led to efforts to act more feminine around woman and in general. This is Ironic because I also have made an effort to be more masculine to fit in. Anyways that’s my story. Bye all.