transformers/god
So the other day I began to think about starting another program at Douglas after I Finnish my degree at sfu. The degree is in therapeutic recreation. At first the thought of taken on such a challenge was exciting but then it became nerve racking I began to ink about how if i took on this program I would have to live on a part time wage for the next two years, I would have to have no social life because all my time would be dedicated to work, school and homework. The more I thought about it the more I realized that my goal was really an estrangement from myself and what I truly want. Don't get me wrong I do want a good paying job-doing work that provides some level of benefit to society. But really the goal like many of my dreams of the future is just another way for me to wish for a sort of transformation. Buddhism states that the desire for becoming is one of the principal desires that people are plagued by that causes suffering. I know that all of my dreams of self-employment have contained within them a desire to transform. It is natural to want to be a strong, confident capable and charismatic person. What I know is wrong is the desire to have it magically happen. I have a plan to avoid the evil world of 30 and minimum wage and that is to get my tesol (teach english second language)certificate as well as to work at a non profit organization as well as to take come courses on office computer skills. I know this plan is a good one. The only thing is that it doesn’t offer the wonders of self transformation that my other plans do offer.

I know that I can find peace of mind. The key concept that I always lose sight of is that it is my perception of the world that must change rather then my external situation. One of the worst thoughts that hits me is the "realization" that their is sooooo much that is wrong in my life and that I have soooooo much that I must work against. After all, I have a strong alcoholic disposition, I have a learning disability and attention deficit disorder that plays a small or large role in my daily activities I have long periods of depression, I have brief moments of intense panic that I don't understand the cause of. However, all of these problems can be minimized simply through the realization that the meaning of my life is not myself. I have lived within this realization for brief periods of time and it gives me a lot of comfort. Essentially if the meaning of life is one's self then really one becomes their own god. I think to live a spiritual life all one really needs to do is "really" know that the preservation, transformation or even knowledge of their self is not enough. When I see reality in this light I realize that my problems are just one part of my reality they don't have to be my principal focus and what I am and what I will become doesn’t have to be what defines meaning to me.