mikeyboi20 (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mikeyboi20) wrote,@ 2006-12-24 00:34:00 |
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The Path
So Buddhism is the path that brings me the most happiness. I don't know how it is that I forgot this. I now accept that I have a selfish shallow side that seeks to dominate my being. It's arrogant for me to accept the mindful, rational side to triumph over the shallow selfish side. The shallow selfish side has been around longer so it is hard for me not to see it as an authentic self and the mindful self as a result of wishful thinking. I think one of the most dangerous things about enlightenment is false enlightenment. Today I felt euphoric as I contemplated the Buddhist theories of selflessness. I began to realize that I must let go of my notions of selfhood as a distinct important isolated entity. Rather I should experience life as is instead of filtering it through a self-center perspective. All of this may sound a little unclear. However, an example of my self-centered attitude is the way in which I view Christmas celebrations with my family. I always feel disappointment in myself at family gatherings because I am not in a relationship and I have no career and am on no clear path to get a career. I feel as though my family is judging me because of this. I feel like my family thinks of me as a child or worst an individual who hasn't yet gained full person-hood. This of course is largely based on me projecting my own false beliefs onto my family members. However, it does feel like my life is undervalued by my family. All that is talked about at Christmas is about my older sister and brother’s career goals or their relationships with their partners. Everything about me and my twin is a light update such as “yeah mikes still in school" Anyway I now realize that the hurtfulness of this experience was because I lived my life in an extremely self centered way. The meaning of life to me seemed like the pursuit of a path. This path was ultimately just the betterment of myself. as such by not obtaining the markers of success such as: boyfriend good job, I felt like a failure.
When I think logically I recognize that it is really wrong for me to use other people’s interpretations of me to shape my opinion of myself. My family knows one side of me and that is my childish selfish side. I used to feel that the only way to change their opinion of me was to get a boyfriend so that they would know me in the context of a meaningful relationship. I now know that this is a flawed way to think. I need to let go of ideas of self-presentation they are ultimately illusionary. A good example of this is a common frustration I have at work. Sometimes I will make a small mistake and my manager will be very bitchy about this mistake. I will dwell on this bitchiness and it will often make me bitter for much of the day. I was thinking about this recently and I realized that the reason my managers disrespect bothers me so much is because I am a self centric person. Obviously no one likes to be mocked but I realized that really the anger I felt at these situations was disproportionate to the reality of the situation. It was because “I” was being disrespected that the situation bothered me so much. Once I realized that disrespect and small mistakes are part of life I accepted them calmly. The false englihtenment part is that such realizations can be powerful and feel incredibly real but they are not instantly lived. Ego doesn't just magically disappear. I am really hopeful because I think I have never truly appreciated how difficult my internal struggle will be. I think I now have a realistic view of what is ahead of me.
So Buddhism is the path that brings me the most happiness. I don't know how it is that I forgot this. I now accept that I have a selfish shallow side that seeks to dominate my being. It's arrogant for me to accept the mindful, rational side to triumph over the shallow selfish side. The shallow selfish side has been around longer so it is hard for me not to see it as an authentic self and the mindful self as a result of wishful thinking. I think one of the most dangerous things about enlightenment is false enlightenment. Today I felt euphoric as I contemplated the Buddhist theories of selflessness. I began to realize that I must let go of my notions of selfhood as a distinct important isolated entity. Rather I should experience life as is instead of filtering it through a self-center perspective. All of this may sound a little unclear. However, an example of my self-centered attitude is the way in which I view Christmas celebrations with my family. I always feel disappointment in myself at family gatherings because I am not in a relationship and I have no career and am on no clear path to get a career. I feel as though my family is judging me because of this. I feel like my family thinks of me as a child or worst an individual who hasn't yet gained full person-hood. This of course is largely based on me projecting my own false beliefs onto my family members. However, it does feel like my life is undervalued by my family. All that is talked about at Christmas is about my older sister and brother’s career goals or their relationships with their partners. Everything about me and my twin is a light update such as “yeah mikes still in school" Anyway I now realize that the hurtfulness of this experience was because I lived my life in an extremely self centered way. The meaning of life to me seemed like the pursuit of a path. This path was ultimately just the betterment of myself. as such by not obtaining the markers of success such as: boyfriend good job, I felt like a failure.
When I think logically I recognize that it is really wrong for me to use other people’s interpretations of me to shape my opinion of myself. My family knows one side of me and that is my childish selfish side. I used to feel that the only way to change their opinion of me was to get a boyfriend so that they would know me in the context of a meaningful relationship. I now know that this is a flawed way to think. I need to let go of ideas of self-presentation they are ultimately illusionary. A good example of this is a common frustration I have at work. Sometimes I will make a small mistake and my manager will be very bitchy about this mistake. I will dwell on this bitchiness and it will often make me bitter for much of the day. I was thinking about this recently and I realized that the reason my managers disrespect bothers me so much is because I am a self centric person. Obviously no one likes to be mocked but I realized that really the anger I felt at these situations was disproportionate to the reality of the situation. It was because “I” was being disrespected that the situation bothered me so much. Once I realized that disrespect and small mistakes are part of life I accepted them calmly. The false englihtenment part is that such realizations can be powerful and feel incredibly real but they are not instantly lived. Ego doesn't just magically disappear. I am really hopeful because I think I have never truly appreciated how difficult my internal struggle will be. I think I now have a realistic view of what is ahead of me.
