Current mood:	calm
Entry tags:	this was

Emo rant
So I've been wanting to write a big live journal entry for a while but as soon as I had written my first paragraph I would erase it and not try again for a week or so. The reason for my writers block is that I really disliked the idea of writing another emo entry that would look identical to all my other entries. I like to feel that I am psychologically, emotionally and spiritually evolving but much of the time this is not true. I'm not being a total pessimist I just think that notions of change are often simplified and quaint. The truth is that I am still the same shallow, petty delusional person I was in high school. I would like to think that since that time I have also become a more empathetic, rational and genuinely kind person. But the sad truth is that people cant just copy over their dark sides. We can’t just estrange ourselves from the parts of ourselves that we don't like. The reason I'm writing this is because the last few weeks have been hell. I'm so sick of this emotional roller costar. For weeks maybe even a month or perhaps two months in a row I will gain equanimity. During this time I can accept what I have and what I don't have. I can take pleasure in the smallest things and I have a wealth of energy. But this time of inner peace always escapes me.

I try to meditate or pray or exercise but during my low points these actions seem so pathetic. When I am depressed logic is unable to explain the mood away. When my depression takes hold I believe that my life is pointless, actually I believe that all life is pointless. Life just feels like a mundane choir with minor amusements along the way. When my depression takes hold I feel a deep sense of estrangement from myself as well as everyone around me. This was what I lived in constantly b4 I found meditation and Buddhist teachings. I should be grateful for the fact that my depression now lifts some of the time. I think that what I need now is a therapist that I can talk to every two weeks probably for the rest of my life. It's as though everything that I have worked to develop within myself over the last few years patience, acceptance, empathy and rationality become painted over by the depression. ( I was thinking of saying painted black but that’s just too emo.) I don't believe that I can get rid of the depression I just hope that soon I will be capable of overcoming it quicker rather then letting it linger for weeks.