mikeyboi20 (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mikeyboi20) wrote,@ 2006-11-08 11:12:00 |
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Whatever balenced is
So I've come to the decision that I am officially a crazy unbalanced person. I'm ok with this realization. In fact it's one I've made several times. I just seem to have a problem accepting the permanence of this unbalance. It's really ironic because I am at my best when I accept just how narotic, paranoid and DELUSIONAL I really am. So what brought me to this realization. Well I kind of told my boss that I HATE the owner of the company that we worked for. But it didn't end there I continued to mock the owner of the company till my shift ended. Ok it's not sooo bad because people do say how weird the company owner is. But it was sooooo random I haven't seen the company owner in weeks and me and my boss wern't even talking about my boss. It's not just the work thing lately the littlest things make me sooooo angry.
So it was after my outburst with my boss that I realized just how bad things had gotten. I actually felt ok after the outburst because it reminded me that there are certain things I have to do to keep balanced. I think that moving out combined with my new job combined with school combined with cam's amazing tv show collection caused me to forget to do these 5 simple things (Yes I'm putting a list in my live journal, how original)
1. Meditate daily.
2. exercise at least 3 times a week.
3. Remember that all life is suffering and the root of this suffering is desire.
I know that the third one sounds somewhat morbid but it really works for me. When I'm not careful I slip into the most fantastical delusions about what my life "Should" be. Lately I've been catching myself in daydreams and I just let them linger knowing completely just how harmful they are.
4. Be mindful. (Ok so nobody can be fully mindful but when I slip into my old habits I speak just to fill up silence, Every act becomes either an act of utility or a leisure activity and never are the two combined. But I'm also very selfish and shallow if I'm not mindful.)
5. set tasks that I'm willing to complete.
I found this path just a couple of months ago and just like magic it disappeared and it was as though I had completely forgotten about it. I think the greatest temptation to abandon the path that works for an unbalanced person is that by following that path they have to keep the knowledge that they are unbalanced close to them. But that is something I am now willing to do and never forget.
Yesterday at the gym I had a totally neurotic moment. There’s this girl in one of my classes who has the biggest smile and these big eyes that just keep starring into you. Anyway Every time I'm around her I feel like I'm in this bizarre tractor beam. And we have these conversations about nothing that I don't really know how to end but the responsibility to end them always falls on me. Anyway, I wanted to fill up my water bottle but I didn't because tractor beam girl was by the fountain. I later realized two things. 1. Not getting my water was pritty neurotic. 2. Whatever balanced is for me will likely not get rid of my neurotic thoughts like wanting to avoid people with giant smiles and stares, but it will make me get over it and get my water bottle filled. (My water bottle is a metaphor for life)
So I've come to the decision that I am officially a crazy unbalanced person. I'm ok with this realization. In fact it's one I've made several times. I just seem to have a problem accepting the permanence of this unbalance. It's really ironic because I am at my best when I accept just how narotic, paranoid and DELUSIONAL I really am. So what brought me to this realization. Well I kind of told my boss that I HATE the owner of the company that we worked for. But it didn't end there I continued to mock the owner of the company till my shift ended. Ok it's not sooo bad because people do say how weird the company owner is. But it was sooooo random I haven't seen the company owner in weeks and me and my boss wern't even talking about my boss. It's not just the work thing lately the littlest things make me sooooo angry.
So it was after my outburst with my boss that I realized just how bad things had gotten. I actually felt ok after the outburst because it reminded me that there are certain things I have to do to keep balanced. I think that moving out combined with my new job combined with school combined with cam's amazing tv show collection caused me to forget to do these 5 simple things (Yes I'm putting a list in my live journal, how original)
1. Meditate daily.
2. exercise at least 3 times a week.
3. Remember that all life is suffering and the root of this suffering is desire.
I know that the third one sounds somewhat morbid but it really works for me. When I'm not careful I slip into the most fantastical delusions about what my life "Should" be. Lately I've been catching myself in daydreams and I just let them linger knowing completely just how harmful they are.
4. Be mindful. (Ok so nobody can be fully mindful but when I slip into my old habits I speak just to fill up silence, Every act becomes either an act of utility or a leisure activity and never are the two combined. But I'm also very selfish and shallow if I'm not mindful.)
5. set tasks that I'm willing to complete.
I found this path just a couple of months ago and just like magic it disappeared and it was as though I had completely forgotten about it. I think the greatest temptation to abandon the path that works for an unbalanced person is that by following that path they have to keep the knowledge that they are unbalanced close to them. But that is something I am now willing to do and never forget.
Yesterday at the gym I had a totally neurotic moment. There’s this girl in one of my classes who has the biggest smile and these big eyes that just keep starring into you. Anyway Every time I'm around her I feel like I'm in this bizarre tractor beam. And we have these conversations about nothing that I don't really know how to end but the responsibility to end them always falls on me. Anyway, I wanted to fill up my water bottle but I didn't because tractor beam girl was by the fountain. I later realized two things. 1. Not getting my water was pritty neurotic. 2. Whatever balanced is for me will likely not get rid of my neurotic thoughts like wanting to avoid people with giant smiles and stares, but it will make me get over it and get my water bottle filled. (My water bottle is a metaphor for life)
