Current mood:

awake

questions
Cam wrote me five questions’ I will only do the first 2 and save the next 3 for another day.

My five questions to you:

1) What are all the ways that you think that coming out at 12 affected you?
2) Why do you think that Buddhism appealed to you more than any of the other numerous religions that exist out there?
3) Why do you think that you haven't ever really been able to stay focused on one specific career or schooling goal, and how have you tried to overcome this?
4) What is one opportunity in the past few years that you regret passed you by because you didn't act on it, and why?
5) What is the one single biggest thing that you have done that you are proudest of?

1.Comeing out at 12 was a very negative experience for me. I came out to myself and my family and other gay people who I met at youth groups. The experience of being out to myself as well as family members and having gay friends was a dramatic contrast to my high school life. Throughout high school I'd say “that’s so gay” or make fun of other gay kids behind their backs well at the same time going to a gay youth group once a week. I was very fearful of being outed. This was greatly exasperated by my mother. In grade 8 I came out to a friend of mine. She quickly told all her friends. Feeling sad about this I told my mom my problem. My mom cried in her bed the entire weekend and told me that we would move to a new town if people in my high school found out about me. Luckily the girl and her friends became addicted to coke and they all dropped out of high school before they could tell anyone about me. However, the experience left me very scared. So I dated a few girls throughout high school to appear straight. I also knew that my voice somewhat gave me away so I talked in a perma stoner voice all the time from grade 8-10. One night in grade 10 I made out with this girl. It was then I decided that rather then expend all this energy "looking" straight I should simply become straight. This period didn't last long. By the end of high school I was a basket case. I think one of the most negative aspects of coming out so early was that instead of defining my identity as a person I defined myself as a gay kid. This is something that I still struggle with.

2.Well if I were to be labeled as anything it would have to be agnostic. However Buddhist philosophy is the religious teachings I borrow the most from when formulating my philosophic and spiritual beliefs. A big problem I have with major world religions is the idea of a god. I have no problem with conceptualizing god as energy. But I don't agree with the anthropomorphizing of God. Buddhism doesn’t have a Godhead figure. This makes identifying with the philosophies easier because they are not connected to an entity that I don't believe in. Furthermore, I find the belief in Buddhism that all suffering is caused by desire hugely helpful. I have dealt with depression all my life and I suspect I will continue to. However, a major contributor to my depression is my desire. I want so much from life. My depressed states don't last as long anymore because most of the time I am able to silence the depression by silencing the desire that started the depression. For instance, last night I felt very dejected there were a few interesting cute guys at the club but none of them would come up and talk to me and I had a strong feeling that if I talked to them they would give me the brush off. Later as I thought about this I began to think why should what I want happen. I often have this thought these days and it calms me rather then saddens me. Instead of feeling deprived I realized there are people who will go to a club and have tons of interesting people approach them and they will meet new people. There are also people who will go to a club and know no one and have no one talk to them. Then there is the majority, to which I belong, people who go to a club know some people and sometimes will meet new people. Buddhism is not about comparison. I am not calmed simply because I am not in the second group. Rather I am calmed because I am learning to accept what is. It's not about fairness. What's fair about the fact that just because someone has better clothes or bigger muscles they should belong to the first group? Likewise what's fair about someone who is a little overweight or a little awkward belonging to the second group? I feel now that acceptance is often not about fairness but rather it is about realizing that feelings of entitlement are foolish. Entitlement embraces the idea that the self is somehow more special then other self’s. When something bad happens to someone they think, why me? Everyone accepts that negative things are a part of life. What we don't accept is that these negative things happen to us. Likewise positive wonderful things are a part of life. We know that not all wonderful things happen for everyone. Yet, when certain wonderful things don't happen we feel deprived. This thought process has been incredibly freeing for me. There is nothing to be gained from hating the present.