Current mood:

calm

tool kit
So the last week has been very pleasant. Although, I've experienced this b4 only to have my happy mood disappear just as quickly as it appeared. But this time I am slightly optimistic. I think I'm really starting to gain some new tools that are given me a new outlook on life. The other day I read this Buddhist text on the totality of existence the text spoke all about Man's quest to rid themselves of all things that are unpleasant. Rather then accept much of the unpleasant as a necessary part of existence often they see these things as alien and spend great energy and effort in bemoaning the existence of these things. I know that I definitely live my life this way. For instance if the weather is really cold windy and rainy often I ask, “Why can't it be sunny yet?” Instead of acknowledging the current weather as part of a greater whole I see it as something that is wrong and will only be righted when the whether is at a state that I will enjoy. As I read this text I thought about my own mental state. Often I experience pleasant and enjoyable days but the back of my mind is still filled with a dissatisfaction of the way things are. Rather then see this dissatisfaction as one part of the greater whole of my experience, which is inclusive of a variety of positive emotions I see this dissatisfaction as alien and therefore wrong. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fatalistic person. I think that if something is wrong in one’s life they should do what they can to fix it. But at the same time I realize that this feeling of dissatisfaction may just be something that I am more oriented towards. And as such dissatisfaction is just one part of the totality of me. I find this way of looking at things very freeing. I think one of the sad things that has come out of this over clinical over psychopathologised culture is the continual question of "are you really happy?" I think this question tends to deny the variety of human experience you can be happy while disappointed. You can be happy while unsatisfied, etc.

I think anther problem I had was that my own personal meaning to life was something unattainable. I don't think I know the meaning to life. However, I do think that people can come up with things that bring greater meaning to their lives. For the longest time I obtained meaning in my life through the search for happiness. Don't get me wrong being nice to others and contributing something to society were also very important to me. But the most important thing was happiness. As well, to be clear I never officially said to other or even in my own head that I think the meaning to life is happiness. But as I looked at the way I appraised my life I realized that the meaning of life for me has been the pursuit of happiness. This leads to a number of different problems. 1. Happiness is a surprisingly vague term. For instance, If I have a pleasant day but have a feeling of dissatisfaction have I achieved my goal of happiness? If I achieve what I deem are the things that will make me happy and I still feel dissatisfied have I really achieved my goals. 3. I f I have a really good day but something sad or unpleasant happens is this an achievement of happiness or have I failed. In contrast, livening a life with kindness as the main goal presents much less existentialist problems. Still, one could argue that kindness is also a relatively vague term. If you do acts of kindness in part for the satisfaction of those deeds have you acted in a kind manner at all? In my opinion this is a mute point because the act has done something positive for another. So the exact intentions behind the action dosent really change the result of the action.