no more complaints
The same day keeps repeating itself over and over again. This is my fault. I need to own the responsibility of my repetitive gray boring life. I can't find answers though. Again I need to own the fact that I can't find the answers. Such ownership in a way is empowering. But at the same time it leaves me in relatively the same place. Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about the end of this school year. If all goes well I will be nearly finished my degree and will only have one course left in the fall. While this excites part of me, because I can't wait to get a full time job and get the hell away from my annoying family. It saddens me also. Lets review where I thought I would be by now. 1. In a relationship. 2. With a well plotted out career plan. 3. I expected to have become a thoughtful, realistic, motivated person by now.

Arggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Now just seems so empty of hope and inspiration. I know what I want from the Now. 1. To become a moderate drinker as oppose to what I am now. 2. To practice a life style of kindness where I am mindful of my speech, thoughts and actions. 3. To become more hippie like and to start practicing yoga and meditation regularly. 4. To become more organized. 5. To do more new things around this city. 5. To volunteer at Spartacus books and at a youth out reach organization. All of these things are very attainable. Yet, I can't help feeling a bellowing frustration inside me that screams. "So What? The world is cold and gray and thorny. Hope is an illusion." Everything I do to improve things always seems to result in a voice that says "You are powerless all hope resides in the actions of others towards you."

How to get away from such pessimistic voices? For one thing I think I need to reinvent myself. But haven't I been down that path b4 and found that ultimately we are stuck with the people we are? However, I am sick of viewing myself as Mikey the victim or even the more positive Mikey the underdog. But how is one to give up such a strongly held construct of one's self image? But I could start with speech and this will hopefully lead to thoughts and this will likely lead to actions. So I begin today with yet another live journal declaration. For the next while, perhaps a week or two I will abstain from all complaints about my life. Instead I will adopt an attitude of what cannot change cannot change, what can change can. What I want to change but choose not to change is a result of my own choices, and despite the fact that in part my low motivation could be argued as a result of external forces the outcome is ultimately due to me.