mikeyboi20 (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mikeyboi20) wrote,@ 2006-01-31 13:36:00 |
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reality dosn't suck!!!
I feel kind of neutral today. It is not a bad feeling. It is just something that I am not fully used to. last night as I lay in bed I wondered to myself what had my on and off 2 years of therapy sessions brought me? What has my endless stream of complaints to my friends brought me? What has my endless sleepless nights that sought answers to the questions I didn't know, bring me? I feel that it has brought me something. And I have grown as a result of all of it. But for the longest time I have felt as though I have hit a brick wall that I have no idea how to climb. Usually my response to such a problem is to lay in bed and dream of a future where this uncertainty no longer exists. A future where all I need to be content is mine and is secure. Or conversely my solution is to lay in bed and to question all that is wrong with my life and how I will go about fixing this. As I lay in bed last night I realized how unsatisfying both approaches ultimately are. The former suggests a result that lacks any foresight into how such an end result will arise. The ladder assumes that somehow tomorrow will be different and I will gain the motivation, luck and insight to change all that has troubled me during the whole of my life.
As I lay in bed last night I asked myself what would life be if I just accepted it for what it was and worked slowly to achieve the things I need to achieve. This approach sounds very similar to the latter approach formerly mentioned. But yet it removes the grandioseness of it. Tomorrow will not be a triumphant day. It will simply be a day in which I will awake do some homework and go to school. It will be a day like all other days have been in my life. The only differences that I can count on are small and will seem isolated and trivial. Perhaps I will gain the motivation to go to the gym and then again perhaps I will not. Perhaps I will do research on my dream of owning my own business and perhaps I will not. This sobriety is refreshing but at the same time it is disconcerting.
It is strange I know that I must give up the very beliefs that make me feel so unhappy. And yet at the same time I feel very weary of a world without them. A world where I am very much in tune with the now where I can no longer escape myself and my soundings but instead must learn to appreciate the two. I don't like writing these non grandiose live journal posts because it admits something that I have known all along life is not a fantasy waiting to be realized it is struggle, acceptance, appreciation of the mundane and the incomplete, It is living with doubt and uncertainty. I have always known this even if my words have indicated otherwise. I know that it is much more then the former listing and that part of accepting the NOW is a greater appreciation of the relationships we have, it is an appreciation of the art and beauty and humor that life has to offer, it is the discovery of new and existing things. All of this too comes with the opening of the eyes to reality. I do see these things and if I continue down this path I will continue to see more of it. I have just spent so much time running from reality that it will take longer for me to see all of reality as a whole.
I feel kind of neutral today. It is not a bad feeling. It is just something that I am not fully used to. last night as I lay in bed I wondered to myself what had my on and off 2 years of therapy sessions brought me? What has my endless stream of complaints to my friends brought me? What has my endless sleepless nights that sought answers to the questions I didn't know, bring me? I feel that it has brought me something. And I have grown as a result of all of it. But for the longest time I have felt as though I have hit a brick wall that I have no idea how to climb. Usually my response to such a problem is to lay in bed and dream of a future where this uncertainty no longer exists. A future where all I need to be content is mine and is secure. Or conversely my solution is to lay in bed and to question all that is wrong with my life and how I will go about fixing this. As I lay in bed last night I realized how unsatisfying both approaches ultimately are. The former suggests a result that lacks any foresight into how such an end result will arise. The ladder assumes that somehow tomorrow will be different and I will gain the motivation, luck and insight to change all that has troubled me during the whole of my life.
As I lay in bed last night I asked myself what would life be if I just accepted it for what it was and worked slowly to achieve the things I need to achieve. This approach sounds very similar to the latter approach formerly mentioned. But yet it removes the grandioseness of it. Tomorrow will not be a triumphant day. It will simply be a day in which I will awake do some homework and go to school. It will be a day like all other days have been in my life. The only differences that I can count on are small and will seem isolated and trivial. Perhaps I will gain the motivation to go to the gym and then again perhaps I will not. Perhaps I will do research on my dream of owning my own business and perhaps I will not. This sobriety is refreshing but at the same time it is disconcerting.
It is strange I know that I must give up the very beliefs that make me feel so unhappy. And yet at the same time I feel very weary of a world without them. A world where I am very much in tune with the now where I can no longer escape myself and my soundings but instead must learn to appreciate the two. I don't like writing these non grandiose live journal posts because it admits something that I have known all along life is not a fantasy waiting to be realized it is struggle, acceptance, appreciation of the mundane and the incomplete, It is living with doubt and uncertainty. I have always known this even if my words have indicated otherwise. I know that it is much more then the former listing and that part of accepting the NOW is a greater appreciation of the relationships we have, it is an appreciation of the art and beauty and humor that life has to offer, it is the discovery of new and existing things. All of this too comes with the opening of the eyes to reality. I do see these things and if I continue down this path I will continue to see more of it. I have just spent so much time running from reality that it will take longer for me to see all of reality as a whole.
