Current mood:

bored

reality day 2
Today started off good. I cashed a cheque got a hair cut and bought myself a new pair of pants and bought a new shirt for six bucks. This was about the extent of my productivity for the day. I suppose I should be happy with this. However, these goals paled in comparison of my original day plan to do these things as well as go to the gym, swim, go for a two mile run and hand in my application and resume to sfu's employment center as well as to apply for the Douglas student assistance and community support program. Oh well, I know that change is a slow and steady process and what truly counts is a wiliness to change and some degree of actual physical effort expended towards that change. All the same doubts still buzz inside my head and now I am left without the pleasant thoughts that seemed to dull them. However, I can honestly say that I felt no more depressed today then I do most other days.

So the question is what did my illusions truly offer me and the answer would have to be in truth, very little. I know that if I have any hope of allowing this change to happen that I must stop expecting so very much so very quickly. The lame thing about my depression is the knowledge that many people would be content with my life. I have a loving family, good friends I'm taking classes that I really enjoy and I live at home so I don't have to worry about money. But I am not happy. Instead I am constantly consumed with doubt and discontent. I know that I must change the way I think. But how does one change the way they think. We are how we think so in essence to change the way one thinks one must change themselves. Every solution that comes to me lately is the same, slow and effortful. Oh well I guess that’s reality.