Current mood:

annoyed

reality sucks
I feel as though everyday is exactly the same as the one b4 it. I want badly to get out of this rut. But once I start to picture a day in which I exercise and achieve certain goals such as fill out a Douglas application form and an SFU employment form I start to feel an even greater depression. I start to think to myself what is the point of anything. Life just feels so empty and devoid of purpose. I think that this is one of the biggest obstacles I have to becoming a more happy person. I feel that all life is depression. But at the very least the depression I feel all the time has the hope of a better life in the future. Once I start to actually think about how it is that I will enact the goals of the future today I feel this all consuming crippling depression that makes me not want to try at all. The only thing that brings me hope is a fantasy version of the future. I feel like if I live in the now then all I will have is a present that offers nothing but gray monotony, Guilt, sadness, aches and pains etc.

Of course I realize that I must fight against these feelings. The present is not just gray monotony, Guilt, sadness aches and pains. There is a lot of good in the NOW. I just want an answer for the now. All I have is the knowledge that I must live in the NOW and I must work to achieve the life I want in the now. But this is not revolutionary this is not the way I wanted things to change. I wanted things to change now. I wanted to have a pivotal realization that would forever drastically alter the course of my life; I wanted the change to come in the form of a person or a group of people who would dramatically change everything. Instead I am left with this REALITY, god how I have grown to hate that word. I want tomorrow to begin with the song "eye of the tiger" and for a beautiful exercise and project montage to ensue. Sadly this will not be the case.

I have always been here but I have also always been in my head as well. Of course a part of me is hopeful if I were completely pessimistic I would live forever in the safe confines of my head. Part of me believes that my life does have purpose but that I actually have to live it to experience that meaning. So in a way this thought process is somewhat revolutionary for me. But I wanted the revolution to be anything but this. In order to achieve what I need to I have to give what has meant the most to me for all my life, my idealized tomorrow. The future means everything to me. But it is a fantasy. Now is real. And now is where I must live.