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I'm kind of conservative [11 Apr 2009|05:29pm] So something I'm begining to learn about myself is i'm kind of socialy conservative. Not that I'm saying I'd ever vote that way but its a view point that I have that shapes much of my outlook on the world. For years I've labled my conservative leanings as a product of nerosis. But now I'm thinking that I am being unfair to myself by blocking this worldview out. How am I socialy conservative you may ask. Well I will tell you. I think that sex has become way too much a part of social discourse. It's everwhere in TV and movies. Additionally, the rise in teenage sexuality and drug use and abuse in tv and film has led to an increases in teenage pregnency and STD's and drug use and abuse. I dont have a statistic but surely that fact has to be at least partialy true. You know who I blam 90210. Yes you hear me right 90210. Unlike its canadien predesesor degrasi high. 90210 used only hot actors and peppy music to convey the “perils of “ drug abuse and ramant tenage casual sex. See the great thing about degrasi was that there were enoupgh ugly kids and really bad music that you felt like you were watching a student hygene picture. I'm just saying that shows are tottal liers today with there next time a very special episode promos its not about informing its about saduceing the audince and it's done under the guis of afterschool special but really its just more soft core porn pumped out to keep the masses buying stuff regardless of what the consequences are. So I've realised that my views around intamcy arn't all that strange. In my previous live journal I said that I wanted to take it so slow with the next person I date that we don't even kiss on the fourth date. That was a bit of an exsageration Because I don't even think the most chaste mormon couple can live up to that standard. But I definetly want to feel a “Real” conection with someone before getting to anything phisical. I don't think theres anything inherently evil or dirty about casual sex. Emotionaly I feel that way but I don't think that way. And I think that that is where the problem lies in the so called culture wars. One side wants to label peoples sexuality as wrong or dirty and the otherside wants to label people who disagree with them neurotic or represed. I think the truth is that people simply put diffrent meaning on phisical intimacy to some it's like a handshake to others even a makeout sesh with someone has some strong emotions conected to it. It think the point is too not label one point right or wrong just diffrent, as long as the handshaker is interacting with an aware consenting adult. That being said both groups have a responsibility to the other. The emotional people must stop calling the handshake people sluts. The handshake people must stop assumeing that eveyone is a handshake person. 6 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

I'm kind of a jerk. [08 Apr 2009|11:43am] So after much personal reflection I've realised when it comes to relathionships I'm kind of a jerk. I realised this just the other day when I lied my way out of a date. I cant handle relationships with guys. After three dates or so I begin to freak. I start thinking Oh my God what does this person expect from me. Does this person think I'm the one. I don't think their the one. OH my God!!! then I start mentally hyperventalateing and I begin to think I have to end this. Then I start rationalising. Yes Mike you must end this otherwise you will ultimately mentaly destroy this person. Hey I never claimed to be humble. So I lied to my latest victim. I call him a victim not because I ended things. Thats a natural part of life and it would be pritty conceited to call anyone who dosn't get to be with you a victim. But The way I date people knowing my track record does make this guy an un suspecting victim. I've gatehered a lot of diffrent pieces of advice on my situation. My friend Dave the therapist says. Tough it out. Dave actually is my friend not my therapist. I just thought it would be funny to point out the incongruncy of his porofesion and his advice. Anyways, the problem with the tough it out advice is that I'm equally freaked out by the people who I think I like with the one who I ligitimitly don't want to continue things with. Its the same sense of dread and chokeing panick. Its only after I break things off that I get eaither a feeling of regret or relief that I realsie the way I actually felt about a person. So no I cant keep dateing people and toughing it out because I really don't know what I'm toughing it out for. The other piece of advice thats out there for people like me is don't date you selfish F**ck. I do try to suscribe to this piece of advice but fail miserably. And by fail I mean give up the moment I see someone that excites me. Because to say I fail at this goal is a cop out because if I really wanted to take myself off the market and stop leaveing a trail of emotional recage every where I went I would do it. So no thats not really what I want. But I do sincearly want to stop hurting people. The third piece of advice I've been giveing is the date people for fun and honesty rule. I like this advice the only problem is that the moment I have any intimicy with a guy and theres no future involved I start to freak. I get this overwellming sense of guilt when things are not done in the confines of a relationship. And I get this overwellming sense of guilt when things are done in a relationship. But I think I've finally come up with a solution to my problem. I will combine takeing things slow with the just for fun and honesty rule to create takeing things rediculsluy slow. I mean no kissing till the fourth date slow and even at that it will be a peck kind of slow. Its gotten to the point where when I'm on plenty of fish I'll think hmmm christian I bet he'd be cool with takeing things really slow. (But not catholics there kinky for some reason). This is only wrong if I'm not open with people about what I'm looking for. A while back I went on this date with this guy who hated being kissed. Kissing and other stuff were like way in the future. At the time I was like your weird. But now I'm like wow thats a pritty sweet deal. I saw him on plenty of fish yesterday and we started chatting. I'm not sating hes the one Im just saying Yeah theres people out there like me who are equally if not more freaked out by intamcy. This is one of the lame things about being gay. If I was a straight boy with this problem I could tottaly find myself some girl who is tottaly freaked out about the phisical stuff and be all like “Nah girl if you wanna wait thats cool. No really if you want to wait till marriage even better. In fact when we do get married we could live like one of those 1950 couples and push the beds togeather on our aniversery.” 2 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Get stupid [03 Sep 2008|06:02pm] Lately I've been thinking about going on an anti depressant medication. I don't want to do this and will keep it in the back of my mind as a possible solution to be used when other alternatives fail me. I don't consider the use of this drug as a solution for depression. I do still get really depressed but I quickly snap out of my depressive moods. I used to be depressed for months at a time and now often I can notice this head space early on and make myself feel better. My problem is not depression. I don't even know if there's a word for my problem. I have a value system and view in the world that I find truly uplifting it is humble and passionate and respectful of myself and others. My depressive mind is basically a view that is the polar opposite of everything that my sane mind believes. I continue to get better at recognizing my depressed mind. Often a simple phrase will do. I often just need to question if I am lacking humility and it clears my mind. I know that the depressive selfish greedy mind is more then just symptoms of ADD or depression they are aspects of myself that I must learn to acknowledge so that I can better control them. However at the same time my ADD doesn't help I quickly lose focus and this makes it easy for this mindset to dominate. Also I am a person who is prone to depression and have been for as long as I can remember. The awful thing is that both mind sets really Really hate the other. The greedy mind belittles the humble minds goals stating they are too little and that I would essentially be accepting a life that's lacking. The greedy mind uses boredom as the ultimate excuse to be unhappy and complain about life in general. My "clear" mind still is not perfect and I know that I must acknowledge this. When my mind is clear I am filled with a great deal of remorse and shame about my selfish mind. My problem is a lack of humility. My clear mind isn't all that clear if it is so easily overtaken by the greedy mind. I know it sounds like I'm sounding off a bunch of abstract Buddhist metaphors but this is my life. On a related side tangent I resent drug attics and hardcore alcoholics and anyone with a severe mental illness. Sure they have to deal with the shame of what they have done and what they were and what they sometimes will or could become. But I envy the fact that they don't have to resent what they are. I would love a label like bi polar because it would mean that all the greed and the selfishness the lack of humility was a chemical imbalance. I'm not saying this is what addicts and the severely mentally ill do. I'm not saying that I hate myself. But yes I do hate my dark side. I am kind of an alcoholic but I know that all those traits that I run from are not a result of my alcoholism or my depression or ADD or anything else that I might have. I drank this weekend after a two month break. I don't see total abstinence from alcohol as necessary. I used to go to AA meetings. I would always feel so uncomfortable when people would cheer for other people's years of sobriety. I couldn't relate to there enthusiasm. I would think I'm sober and I switch back and fourth between a clear mind and a f#cked up mind all the time alcohol has nothing to do with my biggest problem. When I would share I would basically use it as a chance for free therapy. I would be all into talking about anger and mood swings and then I would tack something on about alcoholism just so that my share had some congruency. I will continue to go long periods of time without drinking and will limit myself to a few times a year or even no drinks for that year. I believe that for ME it is dangerous to create this mystique around drinking and believe that if ever you do it your a terrible person. I rarely feel compelled to drink when I have made a promise not to. But drinking in moderation I have a problem with. The clear side has let me down. I guess I tend to go for extremes so I wanted the wholesomeness of AA, Buddhism, and my childhood belief that I am a a super nice guy --- despite a total lack of any charitable actions. The greed side also has been disappointing. I am not a selfish man or a humble man. I am a stupid mad. I don't think I'm stupid Stupid. But Yeah this whole extreme thing is really stupid. And the lack of any plan to maintain the clear mind is also very stupid. I've never been able to just be stupid. I truly think that this is the source for a lot of suffering. The label of learning disability in grade school basically crippled my ability to constantly say to myself wow your being stupid or lazy. By clinging to my learning disability as a child, youth I rejected myself. I have never learned how to say No mike that's stupid. When you grow up as "Learning Disabled" Your shielded from stupid. Every mistake is the learning disability. That means that the mistake and tendency to make that mistake is a fixed part of your being. So when you believe this is fixed and cant be changed the last thing you want to do is say that's stupid to yourself because your calling your essence stupid. So the alternative is to say "learning disability" and "different" and this makes the mistakes OK because you are a victim of a condition. This mindset makes normalcy something to be applauded and mistakes that normally would be questioned are just accepted as a part of the continuum of Mikey. I recently was told by my ADD doctor that my Learning disability was ADD. I was talking to my mom about this and she told me that a lot of doctors don't believe in learning disabilities but rather believe in intelligence variance coupled with attention problems. I did have trouble learning to read and write and a host of other learning difficulties. My parents consulted with experts who told them all about learning disabilities. As well, the only way extra educational support services could be available was with the label of Learning disability rather then slow. What makes slow and learning disability different is that Learning disabled people have an IQ that is average or even above average with low average or bellow average points but with high average or above average points so it equals average but its distribution is not the average average so that's why it's a disability. I'm done running from stupid. LD is a bulls#it disorder. I've spent my whole life doing anything to avoid feeling stupid. I don't take on new challenges because I'm afraid of failing. I don't try to learn new things (other then English based disciplines) because I could fail and thus prove that I am stupid. I have grandiose beliefs about myself to block out the terrible truth that I'm stupid. A huge part of humility is the acknowledgment of one's own stupidity. I'm done running and I'm ready to admit the terrible truth that I have known my entire life but have been to afraid to say I'm stupid. I have above average IQ points in language and my IQ on the whole is high average as a result of this. But I still am below average in some areas like math and spacial cognition (whatever the f*#k that means)I have run from this my entire life. There are stupid brilliant artist, Stupid sexy dancers stupid bakers and mathematicians etc. I'm done trying to be smart which in my case is just avoiding being stupid.I don't think a lot of people are smart or stupid. I am not a smart person who does stupid things rather I'm a stupid smart person or smart stupid and I'm done fighting it. 2 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Bi all [19 Aug 2008|06:32pm] Hello all. I’ve had a lot of time for self-reflection and I’ve realized a lot of things about myself. At first I thought I could cover all my realizations but I have a lot to say so this will actually be the first of a few entries. Anyways I think I will start with my minor bisexuality. Yes. I’m slightly bisexual but have never really been able to acknowledge that side of myself. A big reason for this is that my first experiences romantically with girls were done in an effort to make myself look straight. Lets be honest even if your 15 this is still a pritty terrible thing to do. In an effort to avoid physical harm I got myself girlfriends. I believed that if a person found out I was gay I would be assaulted. In an effort to not have to fool around with them I made them break up with me. Ironically, I achieved this by coming on too strong and attempting lots of public displays of affection at inopportune times. I think maybe the fact that I actively sabotaged my earliest relationships may be the reason I continued to do so into adulthood. I was terrified of being discovered. In grade 8 I had come out to a girl and she told all her friends. I was terrified that the whole school would find out and I would get attacked. A kid actually was attacked and pushed down a flight of stairs for because people thought he might be gay. Lucky for me she never returned to school that fall. She and everyone she told had developed intense drug problems so they all became dropouts. Still the fear of being exposed was so intense. I had never enjoyed fooling around with girls but apparently I had not met the right girls. When I did realize that I do have sexual or at least sensual feeling for woman I was super happy. All the other girls I kissed were so soft and gentle. This girl was fierce she did a little lip biting and some hair pulling which was nice. I was straight (er…. sort of). My big regret here is that this feeling was tainted with a self-loathing for the rest of my sexuality. Anyways, when I gave up on trying to destroy the gay side I felt bad about the straight side. Which to be honest is more of a portion then a side. But anyways, this denial actually did cause me a lot of distress. Woman would talk about how they love having gay friends because they could have a guy friend without all of that sexual tension or without worrying about what he’s thinking or you know something to that effect. This would make me crazy uncomfortable because I would think well I am gayer then straight and most women aren’t down with getting with gay guys. But I would also think well I’m not 100% gay so I also can’t be your “safe non-threatening best friend forever”. So ultimately I kind of started to see this component of myself as unnatural and creepy. Also the fact that this component was born out of cowardice led to the perfect excuse to do away with the ambiguity. I could just label these feeling as a byproduct of self-hate. I stopped live doing the journal because I always felt I had to write a happy ending to the entry. I don’t have a super happy ending. But I do think that these feeling have prevented me from creating meaningful friendships with woman, which is unfortunate. I always felt like I wasn’t the right type of gay guy and that if they did find out about that side of me they’d find it creepy. This led to efforts to act more feminine around woman and in general. This is Ironic because I also have made an effort to be more masculine to fit in. Anyways that’s my story. Bye all. 8 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

transformers/god [17 Jan 2007|08:52am] So the other day I began to think about starting another program at Douglas after I Finnish my degree at sfu. The degree is in therapeutic recreation. At first the thought of taken on such a challenge was exciting but then it became nerve racking I began to ink about how if i took on this program I would have to live on a part time wage for the next two years, I would have to have no social life because all my time would be dedicated to work, school and homework. The more I thought about it the more I realized that my goal was really an estrangement from myself and what I truly want. Don't get me wrong I do want a good paying job-doing work that provides some level of benefit to society. But really the goal like many of my dreams of the future is just another way for me to wish for a sort of transformation. Buddhism states that the desire for becoming is one of the principal desires that people are plagued by that causes suffering. I know that all of my dreams of self-employment have contained within them a desire to transform. It is natural to want to be a strong, confident capable and charismatic person. What I know is wrong is the desire to have it magically happen. I have a plan to avoid the evil world of 30 and minimum wage and that is to get my tesol (teach english second language)certificate as well as to work at a non profit organization as well as to take come courses on office computer skills. I know this plan is a good one. The only thing is that it doesn’t offer the wonders of self transformation that my other plans do offer. I know that I can find peace of mind. The key concept that I always lose sight of is that it is my perception of the world that must change rather then my external situation. One of the worst thoughts that hits me is the "realization" that their is sooooo much that is wrong in my life and that I have soooooo much that I must work against. After all, I have a strong alcoholic disposition, I have a learning disability and attention deficit disorder that plays a small or large role in my daily activities I have long periods of depression, I have brief moments of intense panic that I don't understand the cause of. However, all of these problems can be minimized simply through the realization that the meaning of my life is not myself. I have lived within this realization for brief periods of time and it gives me a lot of comfort. Essentially if the meaning of life is one's self then really one becomes their own god. I think to live a spiritual life all one really needs to do is "really" know that the preservation, transformation or even knowledge of their self is not enough. When I see reality in this light I realize that my problems are just one part of my reality they don't have to be my principal focus and what I am and what I will become doesn’t have to be what defines meaning to me. Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

The Path [24 Dec 2006|12:34am] So Buddhism is the path that brings me the most happiness. I don't know how it is that I forgot this. I now accept that I have a selfish shallow side that seeks to dominate my being. It's arrogant for me to accept the mindful, rational side to triumph over the shallow selfish side. The shallow selfish side has been around longer so it is hard for me not to see it as an authentic self and the mindful self as a result of wishful thinking. I think one of the most dangerous things about enlightenment is false enlightenment. Today I felt euphoric as I contemplated the Buddhist theories of selflessness. I began to realize that I must let go of my notions of selfhood as a distinct important isolated entity. Rather I should experience life as is instead of filtering it through a self-center perspective. All of this may sound a little unclear. However, an example of my self-centered attitude is the way in which I view Christmas celebrations with my family. I always feel disappointment in myself at family gatherings because I am not in a relationship and I have no career and am on no clear path to get a career. I feel as though my family is judging me because of this. I feel like my family thinks of me as a child or worst an individual who hasn't yet gained full person-hood. This of course is largely based on me projecting my own false beliefs onto my family members. However, it does feel like my life is undervalued by my family. All that is talked about at Christmas is about my older sister and brother’s career goals or their relationships with their partners. Everything about me and my twin is a light update such as “yeah mikes still in school" Anyway I now realize that the hurtfulness of this experience was because I lived my life in an extremely self centered way. The meaning of life to me seemed like the pursuit of a path. This path was ultimately just the betterment of myself. as such by not obtaining the markers of success such as: boyfriend good job, I felt like a failure. When I think logically I recognize that it is really wrong for me to use other people’s interpretations of me to shape my opinion of myself. My family knows one side of me and that is my childish selfish side. I used to feel that the only way to change their opinion of me was to get a boyfriend so that they would know me in the context of a meaningful relationship. I now know that this is a flawed way to think. I need to let go of ideas of self-presentation they are ultimately illusionary. A good example of this is a common frustration I have at work. Sometimes I will make a small mistake and my manager will be very bitchy about this mistake. I will dwell on this bitchiness and it will often make me bitter for much of the day. I was thinking about this recently and I realized that the reason my managers disrespect bothers me so much is because I am a self centric person. Obviously no one likes to be mocked but I realized that really the anger I felt at these situations was disproportionate to the reality of the situation. It was because “I” was being disrespected that the situation bothered me so much. Once I realized that disrespect and small mistakes are part of life I accepted them calmly. The false englihtenment part is that such realizations can be powerful and feel incredibly real but they are not instantly lived. Ego doesn't just magically disappear. I am really hopeful because I think I have never truly appreciated how difficult my internal struggle will be. I think I now have a realistic view of what is ahead of me. 2 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Emo rant [21 Dec 2006|12:10pm] [ mood | calm ] So I've been wanting to write a big live journal entry for a while but as soon as I had written my first paragraph I would erase it and not try again for a week or so. The reason for my writers block is that I really disliked the idea of writing another emo entry that would look identical to all my other entries. I like to feel that I am psychologically, emotionally and spiritually evolving but much of the time this is not true. I'm not being a total pessimist I just think that notions of change are often simplified and quaint. The truth is that I am still the same shallow, petty delusional person I was in high school. I would like to think that since that time I have also become a more empathetic, rational and genuinely kind person. But the sad truth is that people cant just copy over their dark sides. We can’t just estrange ourselves from the parts of ourselves that we don't like. The reason I'm writing this is because the last few weeks have been hell. I'm so sick of this emotional roller costar. For weeks maybe even a month or perhaps two months in a row I will gain equanimity. During this time I can accept what I have and what I don't have. I can take pleasure in the smallest things and I have a wealth of energy. But this time of inner peace always escapes me. I try to meditate or pray or exercise but during my low points these actions seem so pathetic. When I am depressed logic is unable to explain the mood away. When my depression takes hold I believe that my life is pointless, actually I believe that all life is pointless. Life just feels like a mundane choir with minor amusements along the way. When my depression takes hold I feel a deep sense of estrangement from myself as well as everyone around me. This was what I lived in constantly b4 I found meditation and Buddhist teachings. I should be grateful for the fact that my depression now lifts some of the time. I think that what I need now is a therapist that I can talk to every two weeks probably for the rest of my life. It's as though everything that I have worked to develop within myself over the last few years patience, acceptance, empathy and rationality become painted over by the depression. ( I was thinking of saying painted black but that’s just too emo.) I don't believe that I can get rid of the depression I just hope that soon I will be capable of overcoming it quicker rather then letting it linger for weeks. 2 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Whatever balenced is [08 Nov 2006|11:12am] So I've come to the decision that I am officially a crazy unbalanced person. I'm ok with this realization. In fact it's one I've made several times. I just seem to have a problem accepting the permanence of this unbalance. It's really ironic because I am at my best when I accept just how narotic, paranoid and DELUSIONAL I really am. So what brought me to this realization. Well I kind of told my boss that I HATE the owner of the company that we worked for. But it didn't end there I continued to mock the owner of the company till my shift ended. Ok it's not sooo bad because people do say how weird the company owner is. But it was sooooo random I haven't seen the company owner in weeks and me and my boss wern't even talking about my boss. It's not just the work thing lately the littlest things make me sooooo angry. So it was after my outburst with my boss that I realized just how bad things had gotten. I actually felt ok after the outburst because it reminded me that there are certain things I have to do to keep balanced. I think that moving out combined with my new job combined with school combined with cam's amazing tv show collection caused me to forget to do these 5 simple things (Yes I'm putting a list in my live journal, how original) 1. Meditate daily. 2. exercise at least 3 times a week. 3. Remember that all life is suffering and the root of this suffering is desire. I know that the third one sounds somewhat morbid but it really works for me. When I'm not careful I slip into the most fantastical delusions about what my life "Should" be. Lately I've been catching myself in daydreams and I just let them linger knowing completely just how harmful they are. 4. Be mindful. (Ok so nobody can be fully mindful but when I slip into my old habits I speak just to fill up silence, Every act becomes either an act of utility or a leisure activity and never are the two combined. But I'm also very selfish and shallow if I'm not mindful.) 5. set tasks that I'm willing to complete. I found this path just a couple of months ago and just like magic it disappeared and it was as though I had completely forgotten about it. I think the greatest temptation to abandon the path that works for an unbalanced person is that by following that path they have to keep the knowledge that they are unbalanced close to them. But that is something I am now willing to do and never forget. Yesterday at the gym I had a totally neurotic moment. There’s this girl in one of my classes who has the biggest smile and these big eyes that just keep starring into you. Anyway Every time I'm around her I feel like I'm in this bizarre tractor beam. And we have these conversations about nothing that I don't really know how to end but the responsibility to end them always falls on me. Anyway, I wanted to fill up my water bottle but I didn't because tractor beam girl was by the fountain. I later realized two things. 1. Not getting my water was pritty neurotic. 2. Whatever balanced is for me will likely not get rid of my neurotic thoughts like wanting to avoid people with giant smiles and stares, but it will make me get over it and get my water bottle filled. (My water bottle is a metaphor for life) 6 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Cam's 3 question [02 Aug 2006|03:00pm] A few weeks ago Cam asked me: Why haven't you haven't ever really been able to stay focused on one specific career or schooling goal, and how have you tried to overcome this? I have been a bit bussey so I didn't have the time to answer this one but now I do. Well I guess the reason that choosing a career goal has been so difficult for me is that it felt like if I found a career and didn’t find happiness then there would be no place left to go. As I ‘v said b4 I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. Even as a child I would have long bouts of depression. I’ve always felt isolated from others. And lastly, and most important for the question the future has always been Nirvana or Mecca to me. I’ve always used my dreams of the future as a place of refuge from the depression. However, as Buddhism has taught me my dreams of the future was ironically one of the major causes of my depression. Rather then embrace both my life and myself in the now I was living in the future. So choosing a career scared me because I couldn’t find a job that lived up to the dream of the future that I built up. My dream future consisted of normal things a boyfriend, a good job and more popularity. However, the boyfriend and the job had to be perfect. And as for popularity I wouldn’t be content until everyone loved me. For me to choose a career and settle into it was a sort of death. Every career I thought of was connected to a sort of image of myself. When I wanted to go into massage therapy I thought that perhaps I could go to the gym a lot get into yoga and have this whole fitness persona, when I wanted to be a teacher I thought that this action would finally define me as a kind caring mature person. I wanted to be a social worker for the same reasons. I wanted to own my own business because this would define me as a creative and hard working person. All of the jobs involved the reshaping of my identity into something that wasn’t me. But every time I would think seriously about a new job the truth would strike me. I can't be that person. Even if I did get the qualifications for the job I wanted I would still be me. But then I’d think maybe something else out there could help me define and change myself. It wasn’t exactly that I hated myself. It was more that I thought that I was incomplete. I think in this society male adulthood is very often equated with masculinity. Because I’m not really that masculine I think that it made me feel as though I was like a child. Being in-between masculine and famine is only something I’m just now beginning to understand and not devalue. This societies sexist attitude has not escaped me so being a more feminine man then the majority led me to resent myself. I never resented women but there was a long period of time when I resented feminine men. My gender issues have gave me more self esteem issues then being a gay man. I think that this is why I wanted a boyfriend so much. If I had a boyfriend then it would show me that someone could love and be attracted to me despite my femininity. I had a very strong desire for a masculine boyfriend. Looking back on it I realize that what I wanted was to be associated with his masculinity. I feel really embarrassed to look back at it now with my views on gender now. I think that femininity and masculinity are made more interesting when they are mixed. I also find it sad when someone chooses to make his or her entire identity a hyper masculine or hyper feminine persona. Don’t get me wrong there are many people who are supper masculine and supper feminine but are sincerely this way. What I don’t respect is when people define themselves only through gender because they are afraid of what else they will find in their personas. Lately, I’ve began to realize that not only were my expectations unrealistic but they also weren’t even about happiness. I mean they were but the reason I wanted perfection is that I wanted my life and me to look great to everyone. In the past whenever I would find a guy hot a major thought that goes through my head is how will me and this person look as a couple to other people. I still wanted a boyfriend for all the right reasons but I also wanted someone who would impress people and show them that I’m a quality person. OK I still think like this. But, I am now mindful of it at least. I still think, “wow it would be incredible if I could date that guy because people would think we were such a cute couple” But now at least after I’ve thought about It, I think wow that’s really Fu*king superficial. Sometimes when I see a couple holding hands I'm jealous both because I want what they have and also because I want someone to look at me and another person the way that I look at those couples. Buddhism has helped me a lot with these problems. Nowadays I think about Zen teachings a lot. This helps because I am thinking about philosophy rather then an idealized future or about what I am dissatisfied about in the now. It also helps because whenever I catch myself I just simply think to myself “Who are you not to suffer? Why should you live a life that is free of sadness, why would discomfort and pain not visit you?” As strange as it may seem these thoughts have been hugely helpful to me. These words don’t always get rid of all my complaints or dissatisfaction but they definitely help to put things in perspective. In many ways what I’ve spent my whole life railing against is mortality. My new perspective makes my career questions a lot less scary. I know now that I will try hard to get a job that pays a livable wage that I can do well and not feel degraded doing. Beyond that I expect nothing more from work. But if I can’t get these things from a job I will continue to try to but absent of a bitterness or hatred to the world because why shouldn’t I face adversity. I’m now teaching ESL and I love it. It’s not my dream job and my manager is a bit of a jerk. But it’s a great starting point for me. I’ve given up on THE dream job. The other day I was talking to my brother and he asked me what I wanted to do in the future. I said that I didn’t really know but for now I would really like to teach ESL and tutor some high school and first year classes. I said that I could see myself doing that for a few years. He balked at the idea. He said "well yeah but don’t you want to do something with a bit more respect and money involved". And of course I would. But I finally realize that I have to start somewhere. And I’m 22 and I still don’t know what I REALLY want to do. And maybe I will never know or get to do what I REALLY want to. All I know is that I don’t want to be 30 something and working at a star-bucks for some teenage kid on a power trip. Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

questions [19 Jul 2006|06:58pm] [ mood | awake ] Cam wrote me five questions’ I will only do the first 2 and save the next 3 for another day. My five questions to you: 1) What are all the ways that you think that coming out at 12 affected you? 2) Why do you think that Buddhism appealed to you more than any of the other numerous religions that exist out there? 3) Why do you think that you haven't ever really been able to stay focused on one specific career or schooling goal, and how have you tried to overcome this? 4) What is one opportunity in the past few years that you regret passed you by because you didn't act on it, and why? 5) What is the one single biggest thing that you have done that you are proudest of? 1.Comeing out at 12 was a very negative experience for me. I came out to myself and my family and other gay people who I met at youth groups. The experience of being out to myself as well as family members and having gay friends was a dramatic contrast to my high school life. Throughout high school I'd say “that’s so gay” or make fun of other gay kids behind their backs well at the same time going to a gay youth group once a week. I was very fearful of being outed. This was greatly exasperated by my mother. In grade 8 I came out to a friend of mine. She quickly told all her friends. Feeling sad about this I told my mom my problem. My mom cried in her bed the entire weekend and told me that we would move to a new town if people in my high school found out about me. Luckily the girl and her friends became addicted to coke and they all dropped out of high school before they could tell anyone about me. However, the experience left me very scared. So I dated a few girls throughout high school to appear straight. I also knew that my voice somewhat gave me away so I talked in a perma stoner voice all the time from grade 8-10. One night in grade 10 I made out with this girl. It was then I decided that rather then expend all this energy "looking" straight I should simply become straight. This period didn't last long. By the end of high school I was a basket case. I think one of the most negative aspects of coming out so early was that instead of defining my identity as a person I defined myself as a gay kid. This is something that I still struggle with. 2.Well if I were to be labeled as anything it would have to be agnostic. However Buddhist philosophy is the religious teachings I borrow the most from when formulating my philosophic and spiritual beliefs. A big problem I have with major world religions is the idea of a god. I have no problem with conceptualizing god as energy. But I don't agree with the anthropomorphizing of God. Buddhism doesn’t have a Godhead figure. This makes identifying with the philosophies easier because they are not connected to an entity that I don't believe in. Furthermore, I find the belief in Buddhism that all suffering is caused by desire hugely helpful. I have dealt with depression all my life and I suspect I will continue to. However, a major contributor to my depression is my desire. I want so much from life. My depressed states don't last as long anymore because most of the time I am able to silence the depression by silencing the desire that started the depression. For instance, last night I felt very dejected there were a few interesting cute guys at the club but none of them would come up and talk to me and I had a strong feeling that if I talked to them they would give me the brush off. Later as I thought about this I began to think why should what I want happen. I often have this thought these days and it calms me rather then saddens me. Instead of feeling deprived I realized there are people who will go to a club and have tons of interesting people approach them and they will meet new people. There are also people who will go to a club and know no one and have no one talk to them. Then there is the majority, to which I belong, people who go to a club know some people and sometimes will meet new people. Buddhism is not about comparison. I am not calmed simply because I am not in the second group. Rather I am calmed because I am learning to accept what is. It's not about fairness. What's fair about the fact that just because someone has better clothes or bigger muscles they should belong to the first group? Likewise what's fair about someone who is a little overweight or a little awkward belonging to the second group? I feel now that acceptance is often not about fairness but rather it is about realizing that feelings of entitlement are foolish. Entitlement embraces the idea that the self is somehow more special then other self’s. When something bad happens to someone they think, why me? Everyone accepts that negative things are a part of life. What we don't accept is that these negative things happen to us. Likewise positive wonderful things are a part of life. We know that not all wonderful things happen for everyone. Yet, when certain wonderful things don't happen we feel deprived. This thought process has been incredibly freeing for me. There is nothing to be gained from hating the present. 3 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

extrovert/ most akward kiss ever. [30 Jun 2006|12:00pm] [ mood | chipper ] So I’m actually going to write a live journal about the events of my week as opposed to a rant about my various neuroses. So this week was a pretty eventful one for me. On Monday I had a job interview at Fresco juice on Denman. I actually felt very blah about the prospect of being hired there because it’s forty five minutes to an hour away from my house. Plus the prospect of working with food and drinks didn’t thrill me. I was an hour late for my job interview but I still got the job. But ah, there was a catch, that being that I don’t get paid for 20 plus hours of training. This of course is bothersome. But I have to say that the job does have it’s perks. Not only do I see a barrage of hot shirtless guys walking by the store, because it’s so close to the beach. But also I get to tons of hot shirtless (often gay) guys coming into the store. (Side note)This is the first summer I’ve ever been able to truly enjoy looking at attractive men. In the past I would enjoy looking at them but a much louder voice in my head would scream why can’t I look like that or worst why can’t I date/fu#K someone who looks like that. Now I just enjoy the hotness. The two questions still swirl in my head but they are greatly reduced. I like the job so far. I get a sick pleasure out of watching the juicer in action. It’s amazing. The thing can blend 5 carrots at a time and an entire lemon, wow. This has been one of the first jobs that I don’t actually dread coming to or count the seconds till I’m off. My coworkers all seem really nice. However, one coworker seems just a little bit too nice. Which if I was interested would be cool. But I’m not so it’s a little awkward. So I’m new to the job and I make a few mistakes as is to be expected. But my coworker is always giving me way to much positive reinforcement. He’s “always like wow that’s great!” when I do something right. Which is great and very nice and supportive. But then he says “don’t worry you’ll get the hang of it” a billion times. I’m not just talking about when I make a little mistake it’s constant. He just randomly says it. His constant reassurance could be partly due to the fact that my face is soooo annoyingly emotive if I’m not smiling I have this downcast sad look on my face. This look generally means I’m in neutral mode but because it’s such a contrast from my constant smile people always misinterpret is as meaning I’m horribly depressed or dismayed. But not only is he constantly reassuring me, whenever he does reassure me he give a little squeeze on my shoulder (which I find very creepy.) However, he did say he has a boyfriend which made me very happy. He could just be a very nice person. But I think that if he breaks up with his boyfriend I’m going to make up a fake boyfriend just to be on the safe side. (I know all you honesty loving hippies are saying I could just tell him I’m not interested. But making up a fake boyfriend just seems so much easier and more fun. Speaking of fake boyfriends I had another date with this guy I met named Jordon. We had 4 dates since I’ve met him. And it wasn’t until last night that we finally made out. (I know four dates till a first kiss that makes my life more pg then an Archie comic.) Anyways, it was the most awkward kiss ever. We were in this akward position on the couch. And I would keep staring at him for just a second and thinking “now I’m going to do it.” I’d lean in just slightly. But then I’d pull away b4 he noticed. I did this a couple of times till finally I made my move. But I was paralyzed in fear at the moment I got too his face. I just stared at his face for what seemed like forever and then I explained myself. I was like “So what umm exactly are we. Because I know your going away and soooo are we dating. He said we were so then we made out. But the couch was so small so it took literally a minute of maneuvering for us to figure out an acceptable position. But then because I had drank sooo much juice all day I burped in his mouth. But we kissed after that. So that’s me being extroverted. Who knows perhaps I will have more wacky stories to share in the near future. 6 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Becomeing [07 Jun 2006|12:09pm] Lately I feel a lot freer in everyday life. I have begun to realize that I can only be rather then become. Buddhism teaches that desire can be broken down into three sections; the desire to be happy, the desire to not be unhappy and the desire to become. At first I focused on the first two desires. I thought to myself how impractical it is to want to be happy all the time and equally impractical is the desire to avoid pain. However, the importance of the third desire confused me. After all isn’t the whole point of Buddhist practice to "Become" enlightened. How can I become an individual who doesn't desire to become. Becoming for me was described as a desire to gain a permanent state of joy. This sounded remarkable similar to the first desire to always be happy. Yet, when I thought on it some more I realized just how complex and massive a delusion the desire to become is. It is not just the desire for joy it is a desire for a change that will remain permanent and give the first two desire exactly what they seek. In this way the desire to become is an illusion. Ironically, Buddhism teaches that nothing is permanent. All is subject to change. In this way we are always in the process of becoming. Whether or not we are becoming what we want to is another story. Anyways, I find this philosophy so refreshing because it frees me from thinking I should be something else. For instance, I think that in the past I would fail at my attempts to quit smoking because I believed that I should become an individual who no longer desires to smoke. The promise of becoming had let me down after weeks of going without a cigarette I still would at times desire one. I believe now that it wasn’t the desire that led me to smoke rather it was the belief that I shouldn't desire that led me to smoke. Smoking is just my small simple example but I believe that the desire to become affects much of our everyday life. A key distinction is the difference between being and becoming. I had become so stunted in life my desire for a boyfriend a great job a nice apartment all became part of the story of becoming. Nothing really meant anything to me it was all a stage of preparation for the becoming. Now I see that the only way to become is to be and to let go of the desire to become. For instance, I am often a slob I don't clean my room, I don't clean my families house, I don't apply for jobs that I want etc... I didn't want to just be a person who did these tasks despite the lack of motivation I wanted to become someone who was motivated and glad to do it. Sometimes I do the tasks and their is more enjoyment then aversion sometimes the opposite is true. Another step I'm taking is to try to gossip less. I love to gossip and will likely never become an individual who is completely adverse to gossip. But it no longer matters to me that this love of gossip may remain because I now value being more then becomeing 2 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Blah [13 Mar 2006|12:08am] So I went to the queer awareness wrap up party. I just felt so out of place. The music is so loud it makes me feel dizzy and I can't stand having to yell at people. Any subtle conversation is lost. And I just end up acting like a dork and talking about school stuff with people and being very repetitive. I hate clubs because I have to yell and I already feel like a loud obnoxious person to begin with so after a night of yelling I feel like a total jerk. I also always end up ordering too much to drink when I go to the club. This didn't happen last night. But lately whenever I drink I'm filled with a sense of guilt in the morning regardless of the consequences. I just hate cool social society. It bothers me oh so much. This morning I went for a long walk and considered the possibility of swearing off alcohol and cigarettes for good. But Then I was like blah life is so blah what's the point of trying to be healthy and sober. I do want to cut down on both so I will try despite my blah attitude towards life. 1 statement| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

tool kit [18 Feb 2006|11:41am] [ mood | calm ] So the last week has been very pleasant. Although, I've experienced this b4 only to have my happy mood disappear just as quickly as it appeared. But this time I am slightly optimistic. I think I'm really starting to gain some new tools that are given me a new outlook on life. The other day I read this Buddhist text on the totality of existence the text spoke all about Man's quest to rid themselves of all things that are unpleasant. Rather then accept much of the unpleasant as a necessary part of existence often they see these things as alien and spend great energy and effort in bemoaning the existence of these things. I know that I definitely live my life this way. For instance if the weather is really cold windy and rainy often I ask, “Why can't it be sunny yet?” Instead of acknowledging the current weather as part of a greater whole I see it as something that is wrong and will only be righted when the whether is at a state that I will enjoy. As I read this text I thought about my own mental state. Often I experience pleasant and enjoyable days but the back of my mind is still filled with a dissatisfaction of the way things are. Rather then see this dissatisfaction as one part of the greater whole of my experience, which is inclusive of a variety of positive emotions I see this dissatisfaction as alien and therefore wrong. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fatalistic person. I think that if something is wrong in one’s life they should do what they can to fix it. But at the same time I realize that this feeling of dissatisfaction may just be something that I am more oriented towards. And as such dissatisfaction is just one part of the totality of me. I find this way of looking at things very freeing. I think one of the sad things that has come out of this over clinical over psychopathologised culture is the continual question of "are you really happy?" I think this question tends to deny the variety of human experience you can be happy while disappointed. You can be happy while unsatisfied, etc. I think anther problem I had was that my own personal meaning to life was something unattainable. I don't think I know the meaning to life. However, I do think that people can come up with things that bring greater meaning to their lives. For the longest time I obtained meaning in my life through the search for happiness. Don't get me wrong being nice to others and contributing something to society were also very important to me. But the most important thing was happiness. As well, to be clear I never officially said to other or even in my own head that I think the meaning to life is happiness. But as I looked at the way I appraised my life I realized that the meaning of life for me has been the pursuit of happiness. This leads to a number of different problems. 1. Happiness is a surprisingly vague term. For instance, If I have a pleasant day but have a feeling of dissatisfaction have I achieved my goal of happiness? If I achieve what I deem are the things that will make me happy and I still feel dissatisfied have I really achieved my goals. 3. I f I have a really good day but something sad or unpleasant happens is this an achievement of happiness or have I failed. In contrast, livening a life with kindness as the main goal presents much less existentialist problems. Still, one could argue that kindness is also a relatively vague term. If you do acts of kindness in part for the satisfaction of those deeds have you acted in a kind manner at all? In my opinion this is a mute point because the act has done something positive for another. So the exact intentions behind the action dosent really change the result of the action. 3 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

no more complaints [14 Feb 2006|11:06am] The same day keeps repeating itself over and over again. This is my fault. I need to own the responsibility of my repetitive gray boring life. I can't find answers though. Again I need to own the fact that I can't find the answers. Such ownership in a way is empowering. But at the same time it leaves me in relatively the same place. Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about the end of this school year. If all goes well I will be nearly finished my degree and will only have one course left in the fall. While this excites part of me, because I can't wait to get a full time job and get the hell away from my annoying family. It saddens me also. Lets review where I thought I would be by now. 1. In a relationship. 2. With a well plotted out career plan. 3. I expected to have become a thoughtful, realistic, motivated person by now. Arggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Now just seems so empty of hope and inspiration. I know what I want from the Now. 1. To become a moderate drinker as oppose to what I am now. 2. To practice a life style of kindness where I am mindful of my speech, thoughts and actions. 3. To become more hippie like and to start practicing yoga and meditation regularly. 4. To become more organized. 5. To do more new things around this city. 5. To volunteer at Spartacus books and at a youth out reach organization. All of these things are very attainable. Yet, I can't help feeling a bellowing frustration inside me that screams. "So What? The world is cold and gray and thorny. Hope is an illusion." Everything I do to improve things always seems to result in a voice that says "You are powerless all hope resides in the actions of others towards you." How to get away from such pessimistic voices? For one thing I think I need to reinvent myself. But haven't I been down that path b4 and found that ultimately we are stuck with the people we are? However, I am sick of viewing myself as Mikey the victim or even the more positive Mikey the underdog. But how is one to give up such a strongly held construct of one's self image? But I could start with speech and this will hopefully lead to thoughts and this will likely lead to actions. So I begin today with yet another live journal declaration. For the next while, perhaps a week or two I will abstain from all complaints about my life. Instead I will adopt an attitude of what cannot change cannot change, what can change can. What I want to change but choose not to change is a result of my own choices, and despite the fact that in part my low motivation could be argued as a result of external forces the outcome is ultimately due to me. 6 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

reality dosn't suck!!! [31 Jan 2006|01:36pm] I feel kind of neutral today. It is not a bad feeling. It is just something that I am not fully used to. last night as I lay in bed I wondered to myself what had my on and off 2 years of therapy sessions brought me? What has my endless stream of complaints to my friends brought me? What has my endless sleepless nights that sought answers to the questions I didn't know, bring me? I feel that it has brought me something. And I have grown as a result of all of it. But for the longest time I have felt as though I have hit a brick wall that I have no idea how to climb. Usually my response to such a problem is to lay in bed and dream of a future where this uncertainty no longer exists. A future where all I need to be content is mine and is secure. Or conversely my solution is to lay in bed and to question all that is wrong with my life and how I will go about fixing this. As I lay in bed last night I realized how unsatisfying both approaches ultimately are. The former suggests a result that lacks any foresight into how such an end result will arise. The ladder assumes that somehow tomorrow will be different and I will gain the motivation, luck and insight to change all that has troubled me during the whole of my life. As I lay in bed last night I asked myself what would life be if I just accepted it for what it was and worked slowly to achieve the things I need to achieve. This approach sounds very similar to the latter approach formerly mentioned. But yet it removes the grandioseness of it. Tomorrow will not be a triumphant day. It will simply be a day in which I will awake do some homework and go to school. It will be a day like all other days have been in my life. The only differences that I can count on are small and will seem isolated and trivial. Perhaps I will gain the motivation to go to the gym and then again perhaps I will not. Perhaps I will do research on my dream of owning my own business and perhaps I will not. This sobriety is refreshing but at the same time it is disconcerting. It is strange I know that I must give up the very beliefs that make me feel so unhappy. And yet at the same time I feel very weary of a world without them. A world where I am very much in tune with the now where I can no longer escape myself and my soundings but instead must learn to appreciate the two. I don't like writing these non grandiose live journal posts because it admits something that I have known all along life is not a fantasy waiting to be realized it is struggle, acceptance, appreciation of the mundane and the incomplete, It is living with doubt and uncertainty. I have always known this even if my words have indicated otherwise. I know that it is much more then the former listing and that part of accepting the NOW is a greater appreciation of the relationships we have, it is an appreciation of the art and beauty and humor that life has to offer, it is the discovery of new and existing things. All of this too comes with the opening of the eyes to reality. I do see these things and if I continue down this path I will continue to see more of it. I have just spent so much time running from reality that it will take longer for me to see all of reality as a whole. 3 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

reality day 2 [17 Jan 2006|12:15am] [ mood | bored ] Today started off good. I cashed a cheque got a hair cut and bought myself a new pair of pants and bought a new shirt for six bucks. This was about the extent of my productivity for the day. I suppose I should be happy with this. However, these goals paled in comparison of my original day plan to do these things as well as go to the gym, swim, go for a two mile run and hand in my application and resume to sfu's employment center as well as to apply for the Douglas student assistance and community support program. Oh well, I know that change is a slow and steady process and what truly counts is a wiliness to change and some degree of actual physical effort expended towards that change. All the same doubts still buzz inside my head and now I am left without the pleasant thoughts that seemed to dull them. However, I can honestly say that I felt no more depressed today then I do most other days. So the question is what did my illusions truly offer me and the answer would have to be in truth, very little. I know that if I have any hope of allowing this change to happen that I must stop expecting so very much so very quickly. The lame thing about my depression is the knowledge that many people would be content with my life. I have a loving family, good friends I'm taking classes that I really enjoy and I live at home so I don't have to worry about money. But I am not happy. Instead I am constantly consumed with doubt and discontent. I know that I must change the way I think. But how does one change the way they think. We are how we think so in essence to change the way one thinks one must change themselves. Every solution that comes to me lately is the same, slow and effortful. Oh well I guess that’s reality. 2 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

reality sucks [16 Jan 2006|12:43am] [ mood | annoyed ] I feel as though everyday is exactly the same as the one b4 it. I want badly to get out of this rut. But once I start to picture a day in which I exercise and achieve certain goals such as fill out a Douglas application form and an SFU employment form I start to feel an even greater depression. I start to think to myself what is the point of anything. Life just feels so empty and devoid of purpose. I think that this is one of the biggest obstacles I have to becoming a more happy person. I feel that all life is depression. But at the very least the depression I feel all the time has the hope of a better life in the future. Once I start to actually think about how it is that I will enact the goals of the future today I feel this all consuming crippling depression that makes me not want to try at all. The only thing that brings me hope is a fantasy version of the future. I feel like if I live in the now then all I will have is a present that offers nothing but gray monotony, Guilt, sadness, aches and pains etc. Of course I realize that I must fight against these feelings. The present is not just gray monotony, Guilt, sadness aches and pains. There is a lot of good in the NOW. I just want an answer for the now. All I have is the knowledge that I must live in the NOW and I must work to achieve the life I want in the now. But this is not revolutionary this is not the way I wanted things to change. I wanted things to change now. I wanted to have a pivotal realization that would forever drastically alter the course of my life; I wanted the change to come in the form of a person or a group of people who would dramatically change everything. Instead I am left with this REALITY, god how I have grown to hate that word. I want tomorrow to begin with the song "eye of the tiger" and for a beautiful exercise and project montage to ensue. Sadly this will not be the case. I have always been here but I have also always been in my head as well. Of course a part of me is hopeful if I were completely pessimistic I would live forever in the safe confines of my head. Part of me believes that my life does have purpose but that I actually have to live it to experience that meaning. So in a way this thought process is somewhat revolutionary for me. But I wanted the revolution to be anything but this. In order to achieve what I need to I have to give what has meant the most to me for all my life, my idealized tomorrow. The future means everything to me. But it is a fantasy. Now is real. And now is where I must live. 5 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

Simple [20 Oct 2005|12:45pm] [ mood | blank ] First off I'd like to say that I know that I have allready expresed this idea in a previous live journal, therefor, I am aware of the lack of originality of it. As I went for my walk today and thought about my "life of unhappiness" I realised that my life isn't really that unhappy. I just happen to have one of the wost systems of apraising a good day in the world. eg: Yesterday I had an enjoyable class, afterwards I got an A on a papper. Then I went to OOC and had a great conversation with the new people. Then I went home and I read a book I had been looking forward to for weeks. Then I surfed the net for a hour for possible jobs with a BA. And lastly I watched 2 hours woth of south park with Cam and Kevin. My point is that by all acounts in most people's perceptions that would be a good day. But instead of being happy I was bogged down in this thick cloud of unhappiness thinking about what I don't have. The thing is I don't know if I'm capable of apriciateing the good things in life at the same rate that I moarn what I don't have. But I guess all I can do is try. 4 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

10 things [26 Sep 2005|03:50pm] I think I know why I am soooooooooooooooooooo unhappy. It is because I don't try hard enouph. I think I am trying my very best but really I am just coasting along and blameing life itself rather then myself for the majority of my unhappiness. Therfore, despite the fact that I have said this a million times b4 I am going to make a simple list of things that I must do. 1. work out at least 2 times a week. 2. Buy new clothes. 3. Get my learners licence. 4. Get my anckle x rayed and fixed (buy any necisary things to achive this.) 5. Try my best to use logic in all my endevoures. 6. Be less judjmental. 7. Continue to try to bring new and diffrent people into my life. 8. Masintain a clean and organised life. 9.Respect myself and others more. 10. Be kinder to others. 7 statements| Leave a Smurfin’ comment!

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